Music to my Soul

Rats! ***

2012-02-18T09:41:00.001-08:00

I seriously hate my dreams sometimes. I don't know how a person can have such vivid and realistic dreams to the point that when you wake up and process reality which happens in mere seconds, it feels like a bolt of lightning just hit you. I often wonder about dreams and what they mean. The other night I dreamt a rat bit my lip. Being the curious little reader that I am, I looked up the meaning and apparently my rat infested dreams are symbolic of what is going on in my head these past few weeks. I need a hug. My subconscious is eerily accurate most of the time and sometimes no matter how strong you react and how smart you are, your brain has way of trying getting the point across to you. Do you recognize the message when it's delivered to you? The worst part is that on some days, like today, I lay awake letting my mind fester at the aftershock of my dream but then I snap out of it, peel myself out of my sheets, and remember that I am awesome. Neil Patrick Harris: When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. As strong as I have become, I still fall weak. It's not all peaches, I just hide pain well now and release it on my own time. I am only human afterall.

Other than my usual toss and turn ritual, ladies night proved to be emotionally stimulating. I remember at 24 and 25, nights like last night were not my usual routine. I liked to hit the pubs and clubs like I was a fresh 19 year old toting a pack of women and acting completely crazy. I feel like in the span of only one year, I have changed so so much that sometimes looking back on my twenty-five-year-old-habits I shutter at the thought that I was like that. Growing up and getting over all that "oh my god let's party all night long" and always always going out has been the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life. Even though my single self craves more social functions, I am not about to get up on a speaker box and go-go dance next to a deejay. I'm over it. I'm officially in my late twenties, eww. Ha ha.

Saturday has arrived and it's raining cats and dogs, and to top everything off the wind is exhausting to listen to. I think it's a good day to furniture shop for some bachelorette items to prep for my move in late spring. Sometimes there is no better motivator to get what you want than to go to the source of it. Seeing all the trendy decor of modern day living is just what I need today to pull me out of my big bad dream haze. I can not WAIT to be closer to work again. Ikea, here I come! Excited!

xo

A

The F word

2012-02-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

Single girl habits are hilarious. The ritual: workout, eat healthy all day long, drink an entire bottle of wine, and negate the entire day. Repeat. Time to switch up the habits ha ha.

Last night in my wine sedation, I had an interesting conversation about forgiveness with my folks. We often like to unwind the day with a drink and stimulating conversations. Truth be told, I am a very forgiving person. It's just me, I like to believe in the good in other people. I like to believe that people CAN change, but that they have to do it on their own. I was surprised to learn the difference of opinion between our generations. Old fashioned habits and common courtesies are dying, and so I believe forgiveness has been given more leeway over time. My father thinks "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me." Hmm. It is their opinion that second chances are the last chances you get (if you are lucky to receive even that), and though I agree with this most of the time, there are circumstances in which I don't. Sometimes people need to be apart for a while. Sometimes friends grow in different directions and we take a break from them. Relationships come to halt and perhaps later, they come back together. Can it be better the second time? You never know until you try, and thus enter forgiveness. I see this quote often and I love it: Maybe the earth is round so that eventually, we cross paths again. If you do cross paths again after something bitter put distance between you, do you walk by without a word, or do you hold your head high and face it head on with acceptance? I really feel that sometimes you need to accept things and people as they are, you can't change them. The only person you can control is yourself. Maybe I am foolish for thinking this way, but I guess I just have an open heart.

Some food for thought isn't it?

Ciao

xo
A

Shoegasms

2012-02-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

As a hot blooded female, I love what any girl loves after a series of stressful events; new shoes. In my case, I have way too many already but when a black leather over-the-knee pair with heels catches my gaze, it's hard to get the image out of my head. It was an innocent trip to the mall to get a book I've been dying to read which quickly turned into what I like to refer to as shoegasms. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. When it comes to men, my love is rare, but when it comes to shoes, I fall in love often.

After my dirty glory from my footwear purchases, I wandered over to Chapters to get down to business. I have heard about this book for two years and finally after much debate, I decided to make the purchase despite the controversy about a woman purchasing such a title. There I was standing under a sign that read "What a Man Should Have" (ha ha) and there in front of me (well slightly above because I am a short stack at only 5'3) was this elusive book, The Game by Neil Strauss. The subtitle reads "Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists"; wow. Firstly, the book is a mock up of the bible. Seriously, its leather bound with gold embossed lettering and gold coated page ends. It even comes with a red ribbon bookmark attached to it, just like the true holy book itself. Men really do think they are gods gift don't they? Ha! :P This is sure to be a laugh inducing read. I love research with laughter. With so many dating manuals on the shelves, how does one know which one is the one with the most valuable information? The short answer is you don't. In the end I believe the answer is that your gut feelings will lead you down the right path, but it's fun to learn anyways. For the first time in my life, I appreciate love without actually being in love. Normally a girl who hated the idea of not having someone to adore and pay attention to me, I find myself in new territory in perfect contentment with myself and every amazing person in my life. Love without being in love; what a harmonious concept.

And so the days go on. I had a much needed night of massage therapy tonight after a gloomy week and tomorrow I'll be taking my new boots downtown for some girl time. Some ladies, myself and a view of English Bay as we sip our colorful cocktails. La vita e bella. Life is beautiful.

xo

A

Must Read!!

2012-02-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

It seems a wall photo is starting to go viral on Facebook and the story is right up my alley. I can't take credit for writing the story but it's a provoking read. My take follows.

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

In the past couple years, what I have noticed and observed about people is exactly what is being conveyed in this article. We as humans fail to see the beauty in life whether it be in music, a place, a circumstance or in other people. The image doesn't appear to boast any real appeal and so we pass it by. Later we realize the truth and beauty and workings behind the dull first glances and we realize, "holy shit, why didn't I see that before?" and what if it's too late? Listen up, smarten up and take chances. Stop and pay attention to what is right under your nose. There is so much more than what you think you know waiting to be learned and appreciated. I know first hand how great it feels to stop to enjoy life's simplicities even if they aren't covered in glitter or whatever else entices you to see them on a sliver platter. It's amazing once you open yourself up. Happy happy happy.
A

Look at me now

2012-02-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

Lets talk Chris Brown. Ever since Sunday's Grammys, Chris Browns TWO amazing performances, and his well deserved award, people seem to be buzzing about how undeserving this former abuser is of his victories. I have to say, I strongly disagree. People have become so cynical. Forgiveness is not for fools people, it's for people who are humble and generally those who can grant forgiveness or second chances, are better people for being able to do so. People make mistakes and some hurt people in their own haze of life confusion but this doesn't mean that people can't bounce back from making those mistakes. Redemption is the new black. I admire Chris Brown from taking his mistakes, his public humiliation and shame, and putting that energy into making a better future for himself. I mean seriously, how many of us have made mistakes, and made a huge life change because of it? People do get better, and people can change to such a degree that they take your breath away. Look at him now.

Okay, my rant is over. Now you all know that I love Chris Brown ha ha. Is it odd that the two most played Cd's in my truck aside from my common iPod shuffle mode is Chris Brown and Rihanna? They actually sit one on top of the other in my console. Hmm.

Loving this song and need to share it, and it's saucy lyrics. I feel it necessary for people to listen to songs that bring out their sensual side from time to time, and Rihanna's new album will do just that. It's tastefully raunchy and provides all the come hither lyrics you desire. It's good to keep those senses alive all the time, or you might become completely boring. No one likes boring. These kinds of songs are particularly great for a workout for obvious reasons, it gets you going.

Roc Me Out- Rihanna

Give it to me like I need it
You know how to make me feel it
Roc me out, more and more
Roc me out, on the floor

Come over boy, I'm so ready
You’re taking too long to get my head on the ground
And my feet in the clouds, oh oh

I'm so clean feeling so dirty
Come right now, you better hurry
Before you miss out, and I finish it off

Ciao

A

S.A.F.F. !

2012-02-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Some people call it Valentines Day, I call it Tuesday. It's a day of hallmark love and appreciation of the one who goes out of their way to satisfy your needs, or is it? Truth be told, I've never really been too keen on Valentines Day. I don't need one day out of a year to show someone how much they mean to me. As cliche as it sounds, a truly loving partner will show you constantly in every way, there will be nothing lacking if it's meant to be. It's also a day where singles are now completely aware that they are riding solo. Singles Awareness Day. This year, I am dating the most important person I ever could; myself. Some of you might sit in a crowded restaurant, give your lady flowers and candy and as for me, well I will be rewarding myself with a fine bottle of Italian Pinot Grigio and writing my book, because I am single and fucking fabulous. Aside from watching pink, red, and white roses cascade across the hallways in someones "oblivious-to-the-sentiment" arms, it's business as usual.

Last night, I stopped into a local Starbucks before dance, since I now have 2 hours to kill and the commute home and all the way back to the Heights isn't worth it, I've decided this is a great time to write. As I was pulling out my USB drive which I attached to a silver chain I have, something was magically stuck to it and if you've been reading a while you will know what it means to me. There dangling on my chain, being bound only by a magnet (which I have no idea where came from) was a dime. I don't throw loose change in my purse, I am quite particular about everything having it's place and yet, here was this dime. It was obviously no coincidence considering after brunch on Sunday with a friend, on my way home from White Rock I stopped off at my Grandpa's graveside to say a few words. I made a couple wishes that day and asked for guidance and a sign. I got my sign. I know what I need to do now and I know that when I have completed my challenge, the rest will fall together on it's own. Go big or go home right?

Happy Valentines Day to all you lovebirds and happy singles everywhere!!

xoxo

A

Someone like you...

2012-02-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

Sunday night, wild weekend, and the perfect nightcap; the Grammys. As far as my love for music is concerned, it's an orgasm equivalent excitement for me. Last nights show, contrary to some previous years, was all about talent and great music, not just focusing on one particular genre or fad. The night was full of amazing performances with heart and soul behind them. Taylor Swift sang her song Mean which she wrote for a former boyfriend who didn't believe in her and altered one of the ending chorus lyrics with "some day I'll be singing this at the Grammys". How much do you want to bet that ex of hers is kicking himself now?

Suffice to say that the real beauty of the evening was the adorable Adele, cleaning up with 6 awards. Her final acceptance speech was emotional. Here's a woman who took her pain, and turned it into her success. Sound familiar? What's great about Adele is you can actually hear her pain within her lyrics and her voice. The first time I heard "Someone Like You" I cried, not because it was sad, but because I could completely relate. What you do with the pain can be life changing, as Adele has proven. There is beauty within the pain you feel. This is why music has changed my life; it's relatability and its ability to ignite the fire inside you to propel you to new heights. It's not about being bitter about someone that hurt you, it's about looking beyond that and taking the emotions you feel and using them for good. It's funny how it takes devastation to change your life.

Smile.

Ciao
A

Wild

2012-02-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

There are days when you wake up and have absolutely no idea what you are going to do that day. You have no plans, no commitments, and for some reason that day turns out to be the most fun you have had in a while. This was my Saturday. I woke up very unsettled yesterday morning after a dream and decided my best defense to ward off the aggression building was an angry workout. I call it aggression rehab. An innocent trip to the gym and stopping in to see my friend afterwards who bartends at a casino near my work where I workout, turned into Andrea's adventures version 2.0. A couple take-the-edge-off drinks at most was my original plan. That's the thing about plans, they rarely go the way you foresee them to. By 4 o'clock I was inviting a co-worker to join me in my single gal soiree and soon I was joined by her and her husband.

A few drinks and a slot machine win later, we took our winnings to a local bowling alley at which point I was happily tipsy. I am the nice girl drunk. I laugh a ton, do completely ridiculous things, and I have no shame in it whatsoever. That's just me. My fun factor was being joyously released. I never felt better. You know you had a good night when you wake up and there's a bowling pin on your kitchen counter. How in the hell did that get there? Ha ha. Believe me, everyone needs to be completely ridiculous from time to time. No harm no foul, as long as no one gets hurt it's okay to step out of your adult shoes, and into two tone rented fun. You only live once right?

My eventful week was everything I needed it to be. It's exactly what one needs to bounce back into things after resetting lifes timings. Now that I got to be completely wild in a new way, the mid twenties version, I feel lighter. Sometimes we get so caught up in the seriousness of life that we forget how to be silly. Kind of like when you were a kid and made prank calls to people with funny last names in the phone book. Even though as adults, we are expected to be mature and "act our age" there are times when you need to put all the bullshit aside, and act uninhibited just like your child self. Go ahead, let your inner child play. It's just as good as a day at the spa.

xo

A

Wow :)

2012-02-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a fantastic week. Last night I felt more alive than I have in months. Nicki Minaj sings "to live doesn't mean you're alive." Touche Nicki, touche. I danced my cute little face off at the LMFAO concert which was interesting to say the least. Although I had an amazing time, I was surprised to learn that my general admission floor seats were non alcoholic and to top things off it was also all ages. My best friend Aimee described it perfectly; preteen dance gone wild. I have never seen so many tweens grinding in one place before. It was somewhat disturbing. They threw out an inflatable zebra marked with the LMFAO logo and it was literally a mosh pit for this ridiculous inflatable safari animal. I hated that zebra ha ha. Next concert adventure... floor seats for Pitbull. Hopefully this time, I don't have to chug my palm bay cooler outside of the floor access point. Good times all around.

Taking a couple days off work was exactly what I needed to unwind and really let all the possibilities for the days and months ahead sink in. I am very excited about all the reconnecting and fun times with everyone I have missed so much this past year. I am happier than a fat guy eating pigs-in-a-blanket on a Saturday without his T-shirt on. Yes, THAT kind of happy. He he. My girlfriends are truly amazing and I am so lucky to have so many awesome ladies in my life who care the way they do. These past couple weeks wouldn't have been the same without everyone who has reached out to make sure I am okay. It means a lot and I do take notice.

Ciao for now
xo

A

Dontcha!

2012-02-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was... Zzzzzzz. Oh. My. Snooze button. After a hectic Monday, I hit the gym as usual for an hour of cardio this morning which I am actually surprised I survived after my dance class last night. I am hooked. In love in fact, with our routine. Remember that surprise I mentioned before? Well, the studio I am taking dance at has decided to film our class for their website. In other words, get ready to giggle! He he. I'm pretty shy at first, and truth be told, I am a proud nerd but after last night, I feel an adrenaline rush and suddenly a wave of excitement for things to come. Just look for the red faced girl. That will be me.

People don't like to look back on things in the past but sometimes, reflections on history can be amazingly orgasmic. What am I talking about? Music of course! What were you thinking? Ha ha. This morning I went back in time and filled my workout with old school Usher. You know, My Way, You Make Me Wanna and Nice and Slow... Ahh Usher. I forgot how sexual and great his music really is. It's very delicious. I almost caught myself mildly grinding mid-workout. Insert your dirty mind here. So tonight I'm on a mission to take my iPod back in time and renew myself with some of the old loves of my life.

There Goes My Baby - Usher. This is my official song of the day. I never really paid attention to this song before. It's amazing how beautiful you can realize something is when for years, you overlooked it. Life is too short to let songs like this slip through the cracks.
xoxo

A

Mr. Patience and I

2012-02-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Sunny Monday and a three day work week. Much needed indeed, I feel like I have been a busy little bee lately. Thankfully in a few short days, I will be able to fully unwind with the much anticipated LMFAO concert. Animal print pants, out of control ha ha. Until then, I'm in my bubble. Sigh. At least I have a massage and dance tonight to make my own version of marvelous Monday.

Reorganizing life is for the most part, exciting but certain parts of it, such as hunting for the perfect cozy digs, can be a daunting task. I think one thing I have always admittedly been quite terrible at is patience. This time, I feel like Mr. Patience and I are on a need to know basis. I need to learn this and so I am in no rush to sort out my living situation among other things, so long as the end result will feel worth while. The things you wait for and are patient in obtaining have always seemed to be the most cherished. Kind of like my cute little crossover SUV. Sure, it's been through hell and back when it comes to car accidents, it's now 12 years old and its candy apple red which means it sticks out like a sore thumb, but it took me 4 years to pay that little beauty off and I love her that much more for that reason. It took hard work to get her and make her mine. Patience. Who would have thought? Ha!

Enjoy every day one day at a time, that's the motto.

Ciao
xo

A

Game day!

2012-02-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Superbowl Sunday. The holy grail for men everywhere. Today women everywhere will assist their rugged and burly sports fan man in serving ample amounts of chicken wings, perfectly foam capped pints, endless amounts of chips with assorted dips and many other delicious and salty items. It's like Christmas morning to an NFL fan and my father happens to be one of the avid supporters. At the Wesley house, preparations begin weeks in advance when it comes to meal planning a carefully coursed menu served throughout the duration of the game. By halftime, you are exploding with caloric intake delight. Oh, and don't forget the jello shooters, which are carefully coordinated to match the colors of the teams in battle. Ahh yes, it's gameday baby! GO GIANTS!

We've been blessed this weekend with amazing weather, so naturally, I took full advantage. Yesterday as I woke hangover free at 8:30 am, I didn't waste anytime before I showered and headed downtown for a much needed two hour session on the Vancouver Seawall with a girlfriend. Wash it all down with an omelette at the Denman Taphouse, and you've got one great Saturday morning! I can't tell you how good it feels to do what I want, when I want to do it without having to explain myself to anyone or feel guilty in the process of doing me. This is about recreating my sanity and it feels amazing.

Of course a Saturday night for a freshly single lady wouldn't be complete without ample amounts of girl time. I had the best wine night with one of the loves of my life, Lynn. A friend for more than fifteen years and someone who has seen my ups and downs for most of my life, it was nice to get some honest perspective on my recent actions. I'm setting fire to the rain and I can truly feel something amazing is going to happen. Soon.

Anyways, it's time for me to decorate our celebratory man cave for the day. I'm pretty sure I should go for a run before all these chicken wings ha ha! Enjoy game day everyone!!

xoxo

A

Strength shows not only in the ability to persist,

but the ability to start over <3

Hush Hush

2012-02-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

Do you ever notice how sometimes after you make a big change in your life that you silently question, something is shown to you that reinforces you did make the right choice? That is what I am living right now. After a series of big changes in my life this past 9 days (new residency, returning to my old department at work, and new relationship status) I was shown exactly why I made the leaps. Without going into much detail, here's what...

People change. People change their minds, and people fall out of love. It doesn't matter how much is invested in a relationship or whether you are so close with the family and you have fear and doubts about leaving; if it isn't working and you're not happy and you do not envision the future, do not continue forward. That's the best advice I can give anyone because that's the problem; people stay in relationships for their convenience, and also to avoid that uncomfortable drama. At the end of the day, I would rather lead a fulfilling and happy life that I created than fall victim to the peer pressure of what others think my life should be. The constant thing I have heard from my friends is that I have come too far, been through too much, and worked too hard to stop my growth now. All but one person feels this way. Insert obvious here. Anyways, what's done is done. I made my choice and I am not looking back, even if he does think "I will regret it" among the other pile of slanders he threw at me to guilt me and make me feel that I would never be happy. I assure you, I will be.

My first happy move after the awkward finale was volunteering myself to be auctioned off as a Bachelorette at a charity function in May. I am seriously obsessed with Charity Gala's and love being a part of them and this time my role is even more exciting which sweetens the deal a teensy bit. Just a tad though, the cause is what really matters. Details to come. Excited Excited Excited!

On that note, my PCD dance has made me revisit my Doll Domination CD and here's a perfectly fitting song that describes my life almost to a tee...

Ciao
A

Hush Hush- Pussycat Dolls

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you is strong enough you should have known

I never needed you for judgment
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never ask for help, I take care of myself
I don't know why you think you got a hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So look at me and listen to me because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush, there is no other way
I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken
Our love is broken, baby, hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurts
I never needed you to be there everyday

I'm sorry for the way I let go
From everything I wanted when you came along
But I am never beaten, broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

Creep

2012-02-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

One of the unfortunate downsides to working for a great company with over 700 staff members is the parking lot is a fifteen year wait list. Yes, you read correctly; FIFTEEN years. So each morning I get to work nice and early to avoid paying the City of Burnaby $4 a day for their criminal parking meters in the heart of the big corporation district of North Burnaby. As a result, this means I get to walk four blocks in the dark down a street leading to my building, and some mornings (A.K.A. today) there are some super creep shows that horrify me. This morning as I am walking this guy sees me behind him and slows down. Naturally, I slow cautiously too. I am not a dumb woman, I observe. So eventually he slows to a complete stop and waits for me to get closer. While there is a moderate amount of traffic (as it is usually quite quiet on these streets at 7 am) I dart past him quickly in my 4 inch heels. Not a great day to choose heels. So now I am walking like a maniac and this guy is silently stalking behind me. He gives me a creepy look and I literally get goosebumps as I pray for the front door of my building. I arrived safely thankfully.

This is week is proving to be long. It's been a week since my sudden departure and it's been a battle. I am trying to be strong but I have my moments where the emotions creep up on me. I don't like hurting people. If you know me, you will know it's completely not in my nature yet I am being made to feel selfish and guilted for making a choice for me and myself for ONCE in my life. Whatever, I guess that's to be expected but it's making me go insane when the complete point of every choice I have made is to regain sanity. Ugh. I hate my empathy sometimes. So if anyone notices I have been "off" lately, this is why. Just tell me to shut up and hug me ha ha.

On a more positive note, I am kicking ass at dance and even though my legs and entire body feel new and never felt before "sore sensations" it really is a great release. It's been a whole month of zero cigarettes and I think given the circumstances, that's pretty damn good. I guess it's just all about trying to be as strong as possible, even when someone is trying to bring you down. You can only fall as far as you let them push you.

xo
A

This love stuff

2012-01-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

This love stuff is a mutha f....a- Samantha Jones. Thank you for putting it bluntly. It's true, love is the purest form of enjoyment yet has the most twisted way of getting you to that never ending green field. You know the grass, that grass on the other side, that has the pretty pink sunset awaiting at the end of it. Is it a sunset, or is it a mirage? Like I said, this stuff is complicated. Love is no cake walk. When you want something to work, you have to work at it. If you don't, then you will be lazy and avoid tackling the issues. That's exactly what I've been doing for the past few months. Battling and weighing in on the issues. Sometimes a person needs to step outside of the relationship to see all aspects through a clean pair of glasses. That's the problem. When we are in a relationship, our glasses get foggy. We think things are all wrong and because we don't have those moments to breathe outside the relationship, we begin to feel overwhelmed.

People sometimes need to be apart for a while even if it may or may not work out later. That's just love, relationships, and the timing of life. It's about going with the flow while maintaining your level head in the process. Don't lose your mind and don't force pressure on delicacy.

Today is a happy day. Things are looking up. I am always oddly excited to work, probably because I genuinely love my job. I am pretty lucky and fortunate to have come this far and I feel as if I am only beginning to squeeze my juices. I'm bordering 27 and I am proud of the woman I am. So happy I am not a 25 year old with absolutely NO IDEA what I have to be grateful for in life, which for me, is a lot.
Ciao

xo
A

Time

2012-01-30T09:23:00.000-08:00

As you can probably imagine, when there are so many things going on all at once, it's hard to unscramble all the things going on in your head to vent out how you are feeling. Overwhelmed is a word that comes to mind a lot. Thankfully, I am alive, breathing and doing whatever I can to stay happy while being there for people who need me during these awkwardly tragic circumstances. The unfortunate downside to all if it, is I'm having anxiety attacks but I am better able to control them these days so they aren't of such a dramatic nature, just more exhausting than anything.

I feel like I need several hugs. A night out with my BFF on Saturday seemed like such a great idea at the time because I just needed to take my mind off the events of the week, but I excused myself at around 10:30 pm and went home while Aimee had her wild adventures ha ha. I'm just not the same person anymore. I guess I finally do act my age ha ha! What I can say is this, friends are a lifeline at times like this. You know which people know you best and know what you need in these situations of life and when they reach out to you, it's a heartwarming feeling. Keeping positive always has to be the number one goal of each day.

I am happy that I did what was best for me, even if my timing wasn't exactly the greatest but I've come to realize that's my thing; timing. I either have the best timing ever and receive great rewards, or I have the worst timing ever. I am either too early, or too late. It's time to change that and make the most of the time I do have right now. Think about it.

Totally need this stress relieving dance class tonight! Can't wait!

Ciao
xo

A

Poetic life...

2012-01-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

I truly do believe that god or the universe (whichever you believe in) put us through a series of challenging life tests before a huge reward. As if braving the ups and downs of a break up isn't hard enough, yesterday my former love and I said goodbye to the family dog, the most beautiful King Shepherd I have ever seen, Zeus. Times are tough but I have been here before or at least on a road quite similar with it's uphill peaks and valleys and you have to KNOW and feel in your bones that something fantastic is on the horizon for you. It's all just a test to prepare you and to test your true strength. I am amazed at what I can endure. Six months and two pets lost to cancer. This time, it attacked way faster than it did to my Rocky. At least with Rocky, we found it very early on and were able to amputate his back leg to slow the cancer from spreading and gave him a fighting chance against it. Zeus wasn't so lucky. RIP buddy. We all loved you so much.

Sometimes you just have to quietly laugh at the timing of lifes happenings. It's almost poetic how the notes play out. If I were to relate my life right now to a style of music, I feel like country would be a perfect match. It's bittersweet; a sad story with an oddly heartwarming melody. Such is life.

"Dear Past: Thank you for all the life lessons. Dear Future: I'm ready now!"

xo

A

Fly

2012-01-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll start talking now. Firstly, I must say I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for. My phone, email, and facebook has been exploding with positive and encouraging words. Thank you so much to all of those who reached out. I am okay. As for the dirty details, I have none to share. All I can say is sometimes life takes a person one way, and can take your partner another way. He went this way <----- and I went that way -----> And that my friends, is called going your own separate ways. If a relationship isn't working or living up to your own personal standards, then sometimes you need to put on that brave face and move on. It takes a lot of courage to make these kinds of decisions but if you don't make them before it's too late (a.k.a, five years down the road when you have a child and a house together) you could doom yourself to a miserable life.

Sometimes love isn't always the deciding factor. You can love a person with your whole heart, but if the overall formula required to lead a successful and healthy life together doesn't make sense, and you are lacking something that is crucial to you, then you really do need to weigh the chips and decide if you are going to cash in, or keep gambling in hopes of finally winning. Forcing a situation to change sometimes doesn't work. As people, we have our own stubborn habits that make us unique, but they can also play a factor into making an unfit match, kind of like trying to put a hexagon into a heart shaped hole. It's all about finding that stubborn fool who is just as stubborn as you ha ha. With that said, I am looking forward to a lot of time spent with my stubborn self to focus. Life is only what you make of it and only you have the power to change your life. It's not up to someone else to change it for you.

Anyways, that's that. Life goes on and all you can do is smile and brave the days ahead. It's a ballsy move I know, but I know it's for the best.

My very appropriate song- Fly - Rihanna and Niki Minaj

Ciao xo

A

Warning this content may shock you!

2012-01-25T11:53:00.000-08:00

Back off, get your own sandwich! A commercial that used to make me laugh at such a cheesy line made worse by it's kung fu choreography suddenly serves purpose metaphorically on certain things I would like to voice my opinion on. If you are smart, you will get that message, and if not, continue reading between the lines. You wanted beige.

And so I carry on about my week on this less than desirable hump day and my extremely sparse alcohol intake is suddenly gripping me by the nips. I need a dirty martini, a bubble bath and some music although I would also accept a speed bag and some leather gloves as a substitute as it would serve the same stress relieving purpose I long for. Truthfully, I don't like when people tell me I "can't" do something. I am not talking policy, I am talking the can and cant's of life. I choose to surround myself with people who motivate, who encourage, and who always stand by each other when the going gets tough. Those are what true friendships and relationships are made of. If you tell me "I can't" not only will I show you I CAN, but I will also not hesitate to flick your de-motivational ass to the back of my bus full of awesome. That's just me. If you don't want to be positive and supportive, then oops, sorry, all seats are taken! Real talk.

Sometimes people need to seriously vent it out. This is MY place to vent it out. My blog. I started this in 2010 when a former boyfriend threw me across our condo so hard that the furniture I was lobbed into moved across the floor. My core was fucking shook and I started a rehabilitation process to change the way my life was headed. I'm not some sappy chick that had a few rough goings, I had a shit storm of messed up tragedy for a period of two years before I finally picked my heart up off of the floor, and marched forward with my mascara running, but fists clenched tightly. It was time to fight back. Two years later, I have developed a writing style, am getting closer to my dream, nabbed and conquered a kick ass career, and made strong progress in my personal relationships. In other words, I worked my ass of, I focused and I succeeded! I deserve a mirror image of my life efforts daily. If you have a problem with my blog, my strength, my spine or my happiness, then either stop reading or let me be on my way. And with that, I am officially single!

"A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her".

Ciao xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

A

The Vault

2012-01-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm starting to experience some writers block and I have a few ideas of what might be causing my words to be kept vaulted in my head. Sometimes there are certain things you let dance around in your mind for a while, to make sure they are truly the way you feel before you let those ideas come out into the open. This is where I'm at. I'm keeping certain ideas vaulted pending further review. Case dismissed. Stop asking.

In other news, my dance class completely kicked my ass last night. I loved every second of it. While all of you groan and moan about Monday's, I will gleefully skip about my day until I get to my heart pumping and scandalously sexy evening. PS- Girls only. Ha! Oh, and stay tuned because at the end of my classes, there is a secret surprise in store I found out about last night. Between running every morning and dance, my legs are toning up to the soccer player legs I used to have (no, not the tree trunk kind, the long, dainty athletic woman kind!). I'm on day 24 of no smoking and still going strong. I strongly recommend the ecig for anyone wanting to kick the habit. It works and I don't feel irritable at all from the lack of cigarettes. I do recommend taking up hobbies or new interests in the process to keep your mind afloat and focused on something else. Truth be told, I'd rather be addicted to running than something that can kill me. I find when I am angry, I want to go for a run now so that's a positive change that I welcome.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". I have come a long ways and even in the past year, I have grown more than I have in my entire twenties. Honestly, this part of self discovery can -to put it bluntly- it can fucking suck in some ways. Change isn't a cakewalk. It takes work. It involves risk and if you hesitate, you can miss out. Either way, at the end of the day you have to know that it always works out and as long as you are still breathing, you are surviving.

My go to songs right now:

Pause- Pitbull - so good!!!!
Birthday Cake- Rihanna

xoxo - always
A

Believe it.

2012-01-22T13:33:00.000-08:00

This morning we woke up to rain and yuckier than yuck wind to enhance the ick factor of Vancouver weather. Most of you probably woke up, rolled out of bed and sucked back a cup of coffee while groaning inside about the things you have to do today and how the weather has made it feel like a chore instead of your regular Sunday activities. Is this the way you think? Stop. Immediately. Ask. Be grateful for all you have. Visualize your goals as a reality. Believe them to be true already and finally, receive them. That IS the attitude to have. Sunday effin funday people!! Woo! Rain? No problemo!

I feel high. Not an alcohol high (haven't had even a drop all weekend!) not a drug induced high, but a life high. Yesterday morning I got a call from my best friend, Aimee. She was feeling pretty glum. Glum chum? No problem! Girlfriend to the rescue! All it took was a morning of shopping and chatting and some positive words and laughter to make the day better for her. Nothing makes me happier than cheering up a friend in need. Pay it forward people! Trust me good things happen when you are good too.

I got a lovely surprise this morning from my avid sports fan brother and father. I was informed that I have been captured candidly from the event I worked the other night and put on the Canucks website. Only a select few pictures are for public enjoyment and apparently, I was good enough to be one of the select few. I guess this is good karma right? Either way, as narcissistic as this may seem, I am pretty excited about it. After all, I am quite nerdy most of the time ha ha. Anyways, I had to share this... (read the caption under the photo)

xoxo
A

Helping out the Silent Auction table at Dice N Ice

Okay, so the guy on the right totally looks like he's yelling at me, right? Well in fact, he was only wanting to reassure himself that he had the winning bid for the autographed Taylor Swift CD. True story. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. He looks like he could definitely be a Tswift fan to me! You know what they say about judging those books.. Hehe. Anyways, I find it ironic that of all the moments you could capture of me at this event, it had to be for a bid confirmation for Taylor Swift memorabilia... the artist whose song lyrics inspired me to start writing this blog about my healing processes with music. Life has a funny way of giving you signs hey?

The sparkle people

2012-01-20T11:47:00.000-08:00

Brilliant. So far this year is off to an amazing start in terms of positivity and uplifting endeavors. Last night I volunteered at a function called Dice N Ice. It is one of the most elite charity functions of the year. I have been a volunteer for 2 years now and have worked many Gala's and black tie affairs but nothing to the magnitude of how brilliant this years Dice N Ice was. Firstly, the venue. I can't even properly describe how breathtaking the west side of the Vancouver Convention Centre is. It was held in the largest ballroom I have ever seen with 3 stories worth of floor to ceiling windows in such a gracious open layout and all the while overlooking the Vancouver harbour. The most dazzling Vancouverites were all in attendance and of course, our Nuckleheads.

Aside from having to gently break it to one of the twins that he was not allowed to touch the original signed copy of the Two and a Half Men script that was up for grabs in the silent auction (insert my blushing face here) and assisting the gorgeous Lapierre in winning in his bid for the playoff worn signed Datsyuk jersey and casual hello's to our local celebs, I was in complete awe of this event for the generosity of the people in company. It warms my heart so much each and every time I work one of these events. I rarely keep a dry set of eyes the entire night. Except during the mock game show to determine, as Bieksa said, "the dumbest of the dumb" of a few select players by playing a 3 round trivia game. Ha ha. Funniest thing ever. Love love loved it.

As usual, donning my sparkly black and slinky dress ensemble, I did a lot of people watching and thought pondering, an activity that kept my mind off of the shattered ankle feelings I was experiencing from my cute black pumps. I decided that these people deserved to be called the sparkle people because that's exactly what they were, they sparkled and it wasn't their bank account that made them sparkle. It was their good will. I realized that no matter what happens in life, no matter what challenges, especially the life altering or sometimes life ending kinds, no matter what there will always be something to look forward to. There are good people in this world and even if you cross paths with a few select rotten apples, you will find that there are far more "apples" that are unspoiled ahead.

Smile. I'm smiling.

Ciao for now
xo

A

Happy hearts!

2012-01-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

Holy moly! 10,000 hits. It might seem like peanuts to some but to me, it's super flattering! Yay! Hopefully if you are a regular visitor my words have helped you in some way shape or form. Even if only one of my entries has inspired you, I feel like I have done my job. Thanks again to everyone who has continuously encouraged me in my writing and to those who have watched me grow since I started this journey.

So today is not only a day for celebration, but it's also my absolute favorite event of the year and I am honored to participate and volunteer my time for the second year in a row. For those of you who don't know, I volunteer for a children's hospice and tonight is one of the most exciting charity events of the year for the organization. Glitz, glamour, and hockey players in tuxedos. Yeaaa buddy! It helps that I also have the best boss ever and I get to duck out super early to get all dolled up. Black tie events and awesome jobs make me happy! :)

Aside from the normal day to day routine and the obvious tweeks made to maintain sanity and to better myself for the long haul, I've been really trying to reclaim my independence with little success. I hate disappointing people. It breaks my heart. I am truly not one of those people who likes to hurt anyone intentionally but my recent aspirations of revisiting my original goals and accomplishing the dreams I have always had for myself are proving to clash with certain areas of my life. In these situations, we have to try to push through the best that we can. Sometimes people just need alone time. Whether it be shopping undisturbed for an hour or two, or settling into the workday uninterrupted, we all have our personal space that we are used to and sometimes when that time gets constantly invaded, it can really wear a person down. Having said that, just because a person is emotionally exhausted doesn't mean they are unhappy. People can be happy as can be but still need their personal time to learn more about themselves. Don't freak out. Just let it be and don't push a situation further than it needs to be pushed. I have learned over time that constantly pressing something only wears it down faster, just like a pair of boots. You never know what will happen. Life has a funny way of working things out the way they were meant to be.

xoxo
A

Who are you?

2012-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I firmly believe that a person should never sacrifice themselves completely to please someone else. Call me a callous bitch, call me selfish, call me whatever you want but I really do think that there is only so much a person should be expected to bend before they start to snap in half.

I think sometimes we really need to ask ourselves those deep thinking questions we all avoid...

Who am I?
What do I want out of my life?
Where am I headed and how will I get there?

Our answers to these questions will often vary in different stages of our lives. As we grow older and enter relationships, we might find that even though these situations start in sync and in line of our plans, the course may change at any given time due to unforeseen circumstances, like a flash flood or a sudden change in weather that was unforecasted. Timing really is everything. How do you deal with it? Do you melt down and have a nervous breakdown, or do you embrace the changes maturely and assess the situation from a realistic point of view without disregarding your own desires? That is what I believe is key. Looking at all the angles is crucial in any decision making process. You have to fight until you can't fight anymore, and you need to sometimes take rests much like a boxing match to assess the current match and strategize your next moves. You need to be the warrior of your own life and not expect someone else to swoop in and save the day for you. You are the soldier and you have been training for these battles your entire life, each and every single day.

No matter how hard situations get, there is only so much each one of us can do to turn it into something positive. Be strong and stay happy and never blame anyone else for a situation being what it is. Sometimes things happen that alter the original course. It's life and its unpredictable but it's meant to happen the way it does. Smile and look forward to the things and people that make you happy. That's all any of us can really do.

Love with all your heart and fight with all your might.
It will all work out, when the timing is right.

Ciao

A

Running

2012-01-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

It's day 17 of smokeless Andrea and I remembered this morning how amazing running is supposed to feel. You take your first steps and slowly work up to your pace. Your heart beat speeds up, and before you know it, you get hot. The first few minutes seem to drag on forever but before you know it, you hit your stride. When a person reaches their stride, they feel untouchable. It's the best feeling in the world. I would be happy to never smoke another day in my life, as long as I get to keep my legs. O.M.G. running! Also a great follow up to my risque dance lesson last night. Can't wait for next Monday at 7:40 pm! Mondays just got exciting.

I think there's something to this stride thing. Like running, I believe a person can hit their stride in life. I believe I just hit mine recently. I feel light, and free of drama and I intend to keep it that way. My friendships are once again amazing, I have struck a great balance between work and play, and I feel confident again. It doesn't matter how many games you have lost, it only matters that you feel like you gave it your best shot. To be victorious is not just to win, but also to be humble in your defeat.

When I went to Vegas in November, I learned something about myself that made complete sense. Vegas is a land of games where putting all of your cards on the table in hopes of winning the ultimate prize you desire is encouraged. I have never been much of a gambler in terms of casino's, but I have always been a gambler when it comes to love. While in Vegas, I tested my luck at these games people love to play. I tried a few different types of games but the one that really got my heart pumping was always roulette. Go figure, the masochist of her own heart wants to play Roulette of all things. I think what I love about roulette is it's very basic, and isn't a complicated game. I'm not much for complexity when it comes to winning or losing. I would rather win gloriously, or lose humbly. Red or black. Odds or evens. If you want to take a bit more of a chance, you can put your chips on the inside and pick specific numbers. Simple. Some people like simple and don't have time for the bullshit of poker faces, hiding cards on your table, or leaving it up to the pull of a handle. I am a person who desires simplicity resulting in the chance of ultimate bliss. I'm a busy girl I don't have time to sit at a table and read faces, or pull a lever for hours hoping it lands on a match of shapes.

So the question is, what is your game and what does it say about your strategies in life? Think about it and choose your color or cards wisely.

xo

A

Songs for this week:

Adele- Set Fire to the Rain (amazing lyrics!- so powerful)
Avicii- Levels (Vocal Mix) Ah-may-zing workout song!!! LOVE this <3
David Guetta ft Timbaland - I Just Wanna F

Flakes

2012-01-16T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well it appears that we finally have been visited by Old Man Winter. White sparkling powder has officially blanketed our doorsteps and the feeling of calm is refreshing. That is, until you get onto the roads...

People are so dramatic about driving in the snow in Vancouver. True Canadians embrace it and head straight to a parking lot to do some donuts. I love watching the real canucks and their ways of dealing with the freshly fallen flakes. You know you're Canadian when you clear the snow off your car with a hockey stick. Ha ha.

Aside from the peaceful bliss a snowfall brings, another weekend has unfortunately passed and so here we are; Monday. I spent my weekend throwing some much needed money downtown at some therapeutic retail therapy. A large portion of my overtime funds later, I feel a small step closer to my 2012 transformation goal. Next step: PCD dance tonight. A toast to the start of something good.

I feel that sometimes when a former frequent visitor of blues town comes out of their muck and invests in some permanent real estate in happy land, people take notice. Usually, people take more notice and interest in your happiness when their own is not so satisfying. In other words, people are so obvious in their motives even when they think they aren't. Life can sometimes be calculated with simple formulas. If you are not happy, eliminate anything that makes you unhappy and replace them with things that make you happy. Stop whining, stop complaining, and understand that you have created the unhappiness you feel yourself and therefore, you are the only person who can change it. Figure it out bro! Sometimes when you make your bed, you have to suck it up and lay in it for the rest of your life. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Avoid regret and you'll start the trend of fulfilling happiness, whatever that may be.

Ciao xo

A

Ducks in a row.. line them up!

2012-01-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on my mind today... It's Friday the 13th and generally this is a day where everyone gets into a super weirdo mood. So here's a reality check to bring you back to earth, you lunatic!

Life is only going to be what you make of it. If you wake up sour, your day will likely remain sour. If you think sorrowful thoughts, you will darken any chance at a positive attitude and so on. No one really likes to get up and go to work. Even the greatest careers have their dragging days and projects. The trick is to focus on everything good as soon as you wake up otherwise you will get yourself into a funk.

Guilty pleasure; I watch Jersey Shore. Possibly one of the most embarrassing reality television shows ever to succeed but somehow, I love it for its cheap and trashy entertainment value. Last night, the episode surprisingly hit a note for me. One of the characters suffers from anxiety and depressive disorder, the exact same thing I have had, and like him, I have also had it since I was about 16. So Vinny goes on to describe his experiences with his attacks, and he described it so perfectly. Sometimes when you have this disorder, and you get into a stressful situation, you have a series of attacks so frequently that puts you into a funk. Whether you have panic attacks or not, the only way you will get out of your "funk" is to take control of it and filter out anything negative that contributes to worsening your state of mind. Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Cliche but it works.

When life gets weird, you have to simply laugh about it. It's life. And so I will leave you with this...

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with *regrets*. So, LOVE the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and BELIEVE that everything happens for a *reason*.

If you get a chance, TAKE IT. If it changes your life, LET IT. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be

*worth it*

Don't settle for anything less than what you want and deserve.

xoxo
A

Loosen up my buttons

2012-01-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

With my new go-with-the-flow attitude, my flow has led me to a sensual hobby that I signed up for on a whim. While searching for dance studios to learn salsa yesterday, I not only found a great dance studio close to my work, but I also learned that they offer much more than just salsa. And so my plan of learning the heart pumping Latin dance is pushed back in lieu of another class that caught my eye. Okay, you might giggle a bit aloud when you read this, but I am going to learn Pussycat Doll dance styles. Ha ha. I'm actually blushing while typing this. Seriously.

Sometimes us women get so caught up in satisfying everyone around us in our daily lives that we forget about ourselves. How many of you come home after a long day, and immediately throw on the Lululemons or PJ's? Wake up your senses and hey, learning a few hot hip movements won't make any man complain. True story. Sometimes it needs to be all about you and you can't allow someone to change your mind about the way you truly feel. Do you and make yourself happy even if someone has a problem with it. If someone has an issue with you satisfying your own happiness, then that person isn't looking out for your well being to begin with.

At this point, I am excited for what adventures this year is going to bring me. I've gone back to my natural dark chocolate brown mane, simplified my habits and I'm taking up a racy new hobby. What will you do to turn your life around this year to keep growing? Don't be shy about it.

There's a song for that

2012-01-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

This morning I remembered what sparked me to start writing this blog. I was going through something deeply depressing and aggravating and I remember how music would serve as a temporary vacation for my mind. When you listen to a song, anything is possible during those 3-4 minutes. You can daydream your own version of what would be happening with that particular song in the background and no matter how far fetched it is from your reality, for that 3-4 minutes, it's real in your mind. Your brain needs these vacations from time to time. I remember now how important for me they really are.

Another thing I remembered is how powerful music's affect is on my ability to write what I feel, and express myself better. As I vigorously assault the fitness equipment each morning and fade away into my iPod, words begin to dance in my head. Everything flows smoothly and I think clearer and logically, rather than irrationally. It's a drug to me. My natural remedy for the asphyxiation I used to feel about my life. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

Another thing I have learned about music is that in almost every single life hurdle, there's a song that is relatable. Much like the popular Apple iPod advertises, "there's an app for that", the same goes for music in relation to your own personal struggles. There's a song for that. Find your song and wait for your mind to send you the message. It will make sense.

Ciao friends :)
A

All smiles

2012-01-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

Day 9

Okay, I have felt a little on edge this past week, probably due to the quitting smoking, and also the fact that I am a deep thinker and have been wrestling with a few goals of mine the past couple months. Sometimes life needs to be rearranged. I sought the advice of my mother yesterday and I feel much better. Sometimes a gal just needs her mama to slap her into position again. Game face on.

When you quit a nasty habit like smoking, your body starts to do things and feel things it hasn't done in years. The toxins are leaving my body, my sense of taste and smell is heightened and even my sense of touch seems to be heightened. I feel amazing. Oh and I smell super yummy! I had the best workout ever this morning and apparently no one in my 700 employee building exercises their new years resolution at 7:30 am which left me with a completely empty gym. That's what I call serenity.

On top of quitting smoking I seriously want this to be my best year ever in terms of my physical state. Mind is conquered and its on to the body now. This unfortunately means a less than appetizing menu. Breakfast is a protein shake, lunch is spinach salad with crushed walnuts and snacks are rice crackers and hummus and trail mix. Dinner will be a fruit smoothie and a piece of chicken or fish, whatever I feel like at the time. Exciting. Anyone who knows me knows I am not one of those foo foo girls who orders salad all the time. When I go on a date, I order a burger or a buffalo chicken sandwich. I have no shame in it. I'm a bold spoken Aries girl and a textbook one at that. You must love me for me otherwise you can hit the trails on the horse you rode in on. Anyways, if you are on a similar plan or mission to get super healthy and are in fact ready for a complete life makeover like I am, stick with it. Suffer through the lighter and less savoury meals you are used to and keep an eye on the prize. Good things are worth the wait and the fight. True story.

Back to work
Ciao friends
xo A

I'm a peacock!

2012-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

People always say they wish they can go back in time to change the way they did things. We all feel this probably at least once a month. I have said it many times myself. When I really stop to think about it though, NO, I actually wouldn't. Everything I have decided, every move I made and every mistake I made was part of getting to today. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for those choices and you should feel the same way about yours.

That being said, I also believe that sometimes the "mistakes" we made can be corrected and sometimes the way to move forward from those wrongs is not always the most conventional method, but might be necessary to move to that next phase. Maybe you made the wrong choice, or you moved too fast, or whatever. Maybe you need to do what makes you happy to correct those wrong choices. All my life I have been the person helping everyone else. I am always going above and beyond for my friends, volunteering, being the eager beaver at work to keep everyone else happy. What about me? What about my happiness? Is life about sacrificing the dreams you had for yourself so that you don't appear to be the selfish bitch you fear everyone to think you are. At what point do you stand up for you and go after what your heart truly wants and needs? I feel that my head has leveled out so much that I can finally see clear in the person I want to be in the long run, and what I need to do to get there.

No one ever wants to say I love you, but I love me more, but sometimes you have to love yourself more and give yourself more attention. No matter what, in the end everything happens as it is meant to. The two hearts that are meant for each other will be together, no matter what obstacles will, or already has separated them. I have turned into too much of a homebody, and I am trying to spread my pretty wings again however, that task is proving to be challenging. Sometimes I feel like hiding the imperfect qualities about yourself, can prove disastrous when you want to bring out your true vivid and amazing colors forward only to have them rejected or fought off with confusion. A line from one of my favorite movies comes to mind... I'M A PEACOCK! You gotta let me fly!

As much as you can love, there are some things missing that leaves the heart unsatisfied and there is no one to blame, no one to accuse as selfish, and no one to resolve. Sometimes it just is what it is people and you just need to smile and embrace life and the curve balls it throws us. Believe me I know first hand that change is an amazing thing and can seriously propel your life in new directions. You just have to believe in it.

Que Sera Sera

2012-01-06T09:21:00.000-08:00

Vitamins and supplements... check.
Reformed iPod... check.
Newly renovated gym... check.
Ready... set... HOT!

For 7 months I have completely changed my athletic habits and replaced the snooze button with early morning workouts which is probably what eliminated my anxiety and panic attacks. The past few weeks however, like everyone else, I have overindulged in the holiday treats and given cocktails far too much attention. Since I have been successful in my first week of axing the cancer sticks, I figure it's a good time to do me. Hopefully it gets me out of this rut I have been in for the past couple months.

I think sometimes it's possible that no matter how content a person is, no matter how happy a person can be, there are still elements that can make a person feel off. It could be simple alterations to speed up the tempo to a happier tune, or sometimes it can be a bigger issue that you didn't see coming. This is where I'm at. I am happy and content but something is off and has been for a while. The only thing you can do when you feel like that is fight as hard as you can to make things right and take everything one step at a time. I have to bite my tongue a bit here as my last entry sparked some concerns for my manwich. All I can say is life can only be written to a certain degree. At some point you have to just go with the flow of things and allow things to unfold naturally, without much force. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. I used to be the girl who forced everything. The girl who believed I could write the fairy tale ending but when I snapped out of my head trap, I realized that everything happens exactly the way it should. And I do mean exactly. That's my outlook anyways. You might not agree but I believe every step of the way, every scar, every tear, every laugh is meant to happen. It's all part of something big.

GYM time!! Ciao xo
A

New beginnings..

2012-01-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012! Today is day 4 of my new smoke free life and I feel amazing. I promptly drove myself to the place I get my car detailed on Monday morning and banished the horrid smell from my life completely. I feel completely ready for this change finally after ten years of letting the habit control me. I'm in the process of completely updating my almost archaic iPod playlist to reform my music habits. The gym at my work also got a facelift over the holidays so I feel pretty lucky on embarking on such a positive transformation in the year ahead. I am planning on changing a lot of things, some might even shock people but this is officially the year that I need to make some crucial dreams a reality.

Marilyn said it best... Sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to fall together. Sometimes we need to be alone to accomplish certain things. Sometimes space just isn't enough. And of course, you need to take everything one day at a time. The most important thing anyone can remember this year is that the only person you can truly depend on is yourself and on adapting to that state of mind you must still learn to live with compassion and respect of others, yet hold on to your strengths and make sure that you allow your goals and tasks to be satisfied above anything else. It's not selfish. You should never sacrifice yourself and what truly makes you happy to satisfy someone else. There are exceptions of course to which you must exercise common sense in the face of, however making someone else happy while sacrificing your own happiness for too long can be wearing, so act diligently and keep control.

Out with the old...

2011-12-31T14:16:00.000-08:00

I never thought this day would come. It isn't any surprise that not all relationships last forever, but this particular separation I am facing is probably going to be the hardest one I've ever faced. For so long I was dependent on it. I needed it to pick me up, to calm me down and most of all, I took comfort knowing it was always there for me, even when no one else wasn't.

It's never easy to say goodbye, especially when you have been so close for so long. So many great memories, and it was always there during those blurry nights. Yes, it's the end of an era; time to say goodbye. It really is for the best though. I would like to say that I will miss you, but the truth is, you are terrible for me. Killing me more and more as each day goes by and it's time for me to be stronger than that and move on without the torture. Farewell my friend. I look forward to keeping the money I wasted on you in my wallet! PEACE OUT Cigarettes! =P

Okay, that was a bit dramatic I know, but hey, people love a little suspense every now and then hehe. I got an ecig yesterday. For anyone who doesn't know what these little contraptions are, it's an electronic cigarette that delivers nicotine to ween smokers off the substance while keeping with the same motions of smoking, making it a bit easier to handle the process of winding down. I am 26 and I have been smoking since I was 16. That's a decade too long! Will keep posted about the progress.

Safe night to everyone! Happy NY

Ciao xo
A

Rawr!

2011-12-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start posting random words of encouragement as they pop into my head. My mind is constantly racing with ideas, and this past week I feel extra juiced up. Something amplified me so I'm just going to roll with it =P I know how the dark gloomy days can get a person down and I have been depression free for my first winter ever this year thanks to a few tweaks here and there, and of course some positive thinking!

Take risks. You only have one life and it should be satisfying under all scopes that matter to you.

Read between the lines.

Apologize if you want to. It's never too late.

Forgive and let live.

Never underestimate the power of a smile.

Act like a kid once in a while to keep sane.

Reflections

2011-12-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ahh yes, the joys of being back to work after holidays. You turned off your alarms, stayed in pajamas until noon, and snuck tasty liqueurs into your morning coffees. Gone are the days of morning indulgence as you return to your normal routines. Lucky me, I must slave through 3 more days and blissfully enjoy another 9 days of stay cation.

I think I speak for most people when I say this time of year, I find myself reflecting upon everything I have done this past year. It wasn't an easy one, but in comparison to the way I handled myself in 2009 and 2010, I have improved as an adult to a degree that has transformed my overall character. In other words, I used to be bat shit crazy and I understand why I came off scary.

2011 brought tears of joy, and tears of pain. After an 11 year bond to my 4 legged companion Rocky, our family watched as he battled cancer for 5 months, completing an amputation surgery leaving him with 3 legs for a few short months before he finally succumbed to his illness. Saying goodbye to him was definitely the hardest part of the year, as was adjusting to life without the wagging tail and constant pleasure to see us even if we were only gone for 5 minutes. Rest in peace little buddy.

Aside from the losses of the year, I have gained quite a bit. A career to which is constantly rewarding and challenging, new friends, reconnection's with old friends and I took a huge chunk out of my debts which has greatly eased the stresses I used to face. It's not all peaches though, there are always going to be challenges and as I continue to march forward, the obstacles will await.

I often look at my life as a whole and in retrospect, I am where I want to be though the picture I always painted for myself isn't exactly what has come in to play. I still face the challenge of being the social and outgoing girl without a companion who shares those same interests. I carry most of the financial weight in my surrounding life and as I aspire to own my own place, I am beginning to see just how challenging that task is going to be in the coming year. At 26, I finally realize that life can change at the drop of a hat and you must be open to new opportunities and change even when the journey forward seems to be like mission impossible. Shit happens. Things change. Be open to it.

My song of the week: One and Only- Adele

I dare you to let me be... (lyric snippet)

Ciao for now! xo

A

Tis the season

2011-12-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

Smooth moves. That seems to be the only thing on my mind. I used to be the girl who booked the following day off work after a big party or event, but now I am the girl who ducks out of the party early, to work overtime the following day. You know you have embraced adulthood when...

Friday night I attended my first corporate Christmas party with the company I work for. Corporate events are quite amusing. Everyone wears their glitz and glam, step out of their work elements, and show us their true, more laid back selves. Of course then there are always those who become too laid back with the booze, and become the office party casualty. Isn't it great what the holidays brings out and forward? Isn't it nice to just smile and relax? To enjoy such simple luxuries right now such as egg nog, eating cookies without guilt, and being able to wear daring red hues to be seen as festive, isn't that all a person needs? Simple luxuries.

Dutiful me, bundled up currently in a Dr. Seuss blanket sipping earl grey tea at the hospice, am about to embark on yet another long week of overtime complete with some much procrastinated battling with crowds at Metrotown to complete yet another year of Christmas spoiling. Don't you miss the days when you could give your mother a macaroni necklace and didn't have to spend anything? Ha ha. All jokes aside, Christmas is not just about presents as we've been told over the years, it's important to also remember the emotions the holidays brings to each of us. The urge to get closer, reconnect, and make big life changes grows stronger during these times. It's a good time to put all the differences aside and wish everyone well. There's a reason songs tell us it's the most wonderful time of the year. It's when great things can happen. Relish it.

Oh, and if you're looking for a good Christmas album, Michael Buble is a must have! The guy is amazing. He literally is the Frank Sinatra of our generation. Listen to a couple songs and if it doesn't lift your spirits, BAH HUMBUG to you then :P he he.

I dare you to work insane amounts of overtime? What the *&%$!

2011-12-07T18:09:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny how the jump into the post vacation grind, turns out to be even more exhausting than before you left? This time, I am a masochist by choice; committing social suicide daily by lunging myself into long and mind numbing hours at the office. Who knew that this would be the kind of girl I was destined to be? Married to my career? What is happening to me?

After a 4 day long smash through Vegas, I came back to Vancouver feeling like I had just absorbed a new dimension of life that I had never believed in. Aside from experiencing alcohol withdrawals at 7:00am and telling my plain old boring regular coffee I was less than impressed by it's lack of Baileys flavoring, I felt other wised refreshed. That is always the case until you get to your desk at work and are greeted by 312 emails and 15 seven day old voice mails. Apparently even if you set an out of office greeting, people will still call, several times.

I suppose it's not all that bad. I am breaking new ground with myself I never even thought possible. Jumping at every opportunity to stay late and clear up piles of work that are begging for attention (not to mention the double time my awesome company rewards us with). Where I am doing a bad job is in my personal endeavors. How do people become successful and still have time to keep their social lives thriving? I guess this is what they call "paying your dues."

So as I sit here taking a much needed brain break from my now 10.5 hour day, *sips double espresso* I am convincing myself that I am not the only crazy human sacrificing all of my play time to focus on work time, which hopefully will propel my name further into to the top of the "that girl is GREAT" category.

Anyways, these papers look like they are actually physically moving towards me. Or maybe that's the espresso? Ciao for now.

I dare you

2011-11-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

There's no better time to feel like you're in a rut than right before a vacation. In 2 days I leave for Las Vegas. Actually, one day and 13 hours but whose counting? I know I speak for anyone human when I say that sometimes, running away from your worries or frustrations for a temporary amount of time is necessary to keep sane. Note to self: Do NOT wait another five years before you take the next one Andrea! Yes, you see; speaking to myself in the third person. I am officially bordering insanity.

For the past few months I have transformed from the social butterfly, always on the go girl to socially awkward. I look at myself in the mirror and I sometimes don't even recognize myself. While most of the chances I have made are for the better, there are some that just don't equal ME. I didn't realize being wifed up would turn me into a cave person. I need to spread my wings, so VIVA LAS VEGAS BABY!!

The problem isn't my relationship, or that I don't have enough time or money. The problem I am having is what many people go through, a RUT. The follow through of getting out of your socially awkward lifestyle is often challenging to do and so I invite you (and by YOU I mean anyone who still reads this damn thing), to join me in a new chapter I wish to title: I DARE YOU! I dare you to try something new, to color your hair something completely different than your usual (mine is currently and freshly a hue of chocolate RED) I dare you to eat something you have HATED since you were a child. I dare you to date someone completely the opposite of you, outside your culture, crazy even! Basically, I dare you to stop living in your safe zone and grow some balls and do something outside the box. Get our of your rut and take control.

Rut free living takes off Tuesday morning. Daring details to come. Stay tuned.

I'm like a brand new chick!

2011-10-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday's are the best day of my week. Even though I have to go back to the office tomorrow, I am always at peace on Sundays. Firstly, wearing sunglasses mid October is pretty much awesome when it comes to Vancouver. I rolled through the streets of the West End and was loving the view in all directions. Yellow trees, crispy leaves bordering the streets in every shade of fall. It's nice to take a moment to just enjoy simplicity. And PS- I freaking LOVE Earl Grey tea!

Routines can become boring to anyone not robotic by nature. My routine has become exactly that; robotic. I wake at 6:05 a.m. precisely, shower, make myself a coffee and head to the gym. I settle myself at my desk, and proceed to perform my daily duties as required. I clock out at 4:30, eat dinner at home, and numb my mind with whatever feels like the best escape on TV. It's no surprise that I needed a change, and so I ambitiously applied for a new position with my company to which the bulk of the duties are, -go figure- writing. To my astonishment, I nailed it, and was offered the position on Friday. Boredom has been silenced.

My face to the sky, sunglasses on.
Turning up the beat so sick,
I'm like a brand new chick!

I have a friend who always quotes something that is applicable to any bad day, to any state of boredom, to anyone really. Happiness is an attitude. That's it. So simple, and so sincere. If you aren't happy, then get happy! It's really not too difficult. I've been beat up emotionally time and time again. Lied to, chewed up and spit out. Made to feel naive, you name it. This bitch isn't a dummy anymore. I am happy. It didn't take things to make me happy, it didn't take a person. All it took was me and a new attitude. Okay, and maybe a few bottles of wine ha ha! One of my favorite things to do when I am feeling a little down, is putting on a really good CD, with a lot of uplifting power charging songs and dance around, or even just daydream to them. I get revved up and excited and then I'll do something mind numbing, like cleaning the kitchen and suddenly, the dread of cleaning the kitchen becomes a happy responsibility. There are simple things you can do just to get you through things that are less than desirable, but if you can get through everything with a good attitude, its amazing at how fast you will start to change your prespective completely.

Dreams WILL come true

2011-10-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken up from a dream and felt powerless over your most inner thoughts? Have you ever blocked something out of your day to day mind traps only to have them come out in your sleep; like a haunting? There are some things that have happened along my road to here and now that I for the most part have learned to ignore and have successfully combated out of my daily routine but every so often, they creep into my dreams and I wake feeling a small sense of grief and frustration over it. The past few weeks the dreams have become closer together and are starting to cluster so the question I ponder now is, how do I begin to combat my dreams? Are they nightmares? Am I the only one having these deep and sedated thoughts?

Today is Thanksgiving, and I feel more than ever that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my amazing job that has propelled my life into new directions. I found a stable home for myself in an organization that not only treats me well, but compensates me for my intelligence. I am thankful that I have made a huge lifestyle change to better my body health and have made fitness a priority for the past 6 months and have to date lost 25 lbs and counting. I am thankful for finally finding a man who didn't judge me early on in the relationship, and took the time to get to know ME and I can't wait to go to Vegas with him next month for our one year anniversary. I am thankful for my volunteer position which I have now been in for almost two years, and can't wait to see the kids and families later today on my shift. I am thankful for great girlfriends who have stood by me through thick and thin and mostly I am thankful for having my family. My brother and my parents have been the most encouraging supporters through the messiest parts of my life, and are finally enjoying the old happy Andrea once again.

This year has been the battle that I finally positioned myself as a strong competitor. I still have weaknesses, but the big problems I had have dissipated. I laid to rest my 4 legged brother Rocky three months ago after the battle he had with Cancer became victorious over his body. It made me realize that we all have one life. Just one. One chance to make it all happen. One opportunity to make your dreams come true, and have the kind of happiness you dream of. Regardless of what any ones opinions are, or what might stir out of finding YOUR ultimate happy ending, it's important that we don't shy away from what should be. We should never have to wake up and think about "what could have been," It's all about what we make it. There is no could. There is no can. There is only will. What will you do?

La la lemon!

2011-09-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

Some people say when life gives you lemons, you say fuck the lemons and bail. Others say to add vodka and make a lemon drop, and others say to make good old fashioned lemonade. To me each lemon has its own level of tart and sour taste. Some are sweeter than others. Each of these lemons has a different purpose, or all of those lemons can be combined to make the perfect combination of old fashioned. I think this is true of friendships too. Some people can be bitter and sour people, some people can be super sweet with a juicy interior, and when you put those people together, they blend to harmonize in flavour.

I am the kind of lemon that has its sour moments, has a generally sweet flavour, and fuck yeah I am good with vodka. I think we all miss the point of the stages of "lemons" in people. We might start out sour, or have our sour moments, but rest assures eventually we will get sweet. Just a little sugar is all it takes to bring out the flavour that is you.

I feel that as a person I am often misunderstood. I have a hard headed exterior and a strong personality some might label. The ones who truly know me know that I might have my moments, but my moments of greatness and sweet flavours far outweigh the sour taste I might give off at times. And the more accepted I feel, the better the flavours get.

In the past year I went from complete crazy (as some people have said, behind my back) to focused, happy, nurturing, and domesticated. I make someone happier than he has ever been and I value the people in my life more than I ever have. Why? Because they suffered through my sour taste to hold out for the sweet and boy did they all get it. Don't knock a lemon before you try it. Add a little sugar, and it might satisfy your taste buds more than it ever has.

Surprise!

2011-09-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice, after 5 months of silence, people are still reading!

I put my blog to rest a few months back to take some time to focus on my personal life, and start new projects. I realized quickly that Music to my Soul is my happiest project. What made me realize this?

Her name is Adele.

If you haven't heard her yet I can only assume you live under a rock, or quite simply don't love a beautiful voice. This woman is not only vocally gifted, she has serious soul, not to mention her heart touching bravery.

Adele's story of success actually comes as no surprise to women. She got her heart broken, wrote about her pain, and belts out the words of her pain with her sensational voice and has made that her career. Sound familiar? The best revenge against the one who broke your heart is undoubtedly success. Not only does Adele voice her pain, she does it in great detail, leaving the schmuck who hurt her looking like a complete douchebag. I bet you buddy is kicking himself now for leaving her, don't you? It's alot worse than that feeling you get when you see someone you used to care for, and pulverized emotionally looking better than ever, glowing in fact, out of the blue and in the most unguarded situation. You thought that hurt you? Imagine being Adele's ex.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I think revenge is a dish best served sunny side up. There's no need to take your pain and turn it into anger, but better yet use your humiliation to your advantage. You can sit back and quietly feel sorry for yourself, or you can stand up and admit your pain and your flaws. Sharing to the world personal pain is not only brave, it's also invigorating. Admitting your wrongs to a person is also a good way of cleansing. Its a shame more people don't have the balls of Adele. She makes me think, why am I so afraid to say what I REALLY want to say? And why aren't people brave enough to tell the truth? Why are we all hiding in our own pain and shame. Hmm...
:)

A fear to live?

2011-04-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Lately I have allowed the hysteria about 2012 to get the best of me. Many of you may have had these exact same thoughts like I have been having. Being the info-seeker that I am, I have been reading countless articles and studies online about this alleged doomsday that lurks around the corner. My personal beliefs felt compromised for my entire life, I have learned that fear mongering, is an unfortunate fact of life; one that will never go away so long as the human mind remains unique from person to person. Everyone has their own belief system. Different religions believe in different gods but as the bible will teach you, at the end of the day the only thing that will matter is that you believe that Jesus is the son of God and you will be saved.

Every article I have read either examines the scientific logic behind December 21st, 2012, or it is examined based on religion and what the Bible has taught us. Numerous self proclaimed prophets have assured us of their truthful confessions of the destruction that lies ahead. The end that has already begun with the deception of man and the rising natural disasters. All apparently evidence of our world collapse. What really amuses me about all these articles is that the professed "truths" and "survival guides" all come with a price tag. Lets not forget the millions of dollars that Hollywood made with the movie 2012, a movie I have not been suckered into watching. Is it a coincidence that every few years, someone creates a panic about the end of the world? Countless references to Nostradamus, Y2K, 6/6/6 and the list goes on. What happened in the year 2000 the moment the clock struck midnight and nothing happened? Moments passed us by and we all sat in anticipation. Many of us just SAT, waiting for our lives to end! Do you remember how ridiculous everyone felt on January 1st when they were eating their Corn Flakes thinking to themselves "wow I really worried myself for no reason." This is exactly how you should feel about 2012. How stupid is it that we are all living in fear of this day? I know people who actually have postponed their weddings and plans for children until 2013 "just in case." Tell me something- is this anyway to live your life???

It makes me sick to my stomach that suddenly, this calendar that has been around for thousands of years, has just in recent years become a topic of interest. A subject introduced in times of economic crisis that has conveniently put money in the pockets of many people. A subject that continues to profit day by day. Why now? Why is it that NOW we are fearing this day? Why not 100 years ago, or 1000 years ago? If this day was so prominent, why did generations before us carry on mankind to this day now? Ask yourself, is yet another "theory" or "prediction" going to alter the way that you live your life? Many people committed suicide the last days of 1999 and if we don't smarten up and stop injecting fear into this already corrupted world, we will yet again see lives lost because we can't believe in positive things. What the fuck has happened to man? What will we see in those last days of the year 2012. Will we see people going on shooting rampages attempting to control the pain and suffering that is not likely going to happen? Will mothers be killing their own children to save them from the doom? How many murder suicides will occur before we just WAKE THE FUCK UP! I am completely outraged and disgusted with this. Mainly because I temporarily fell victim to this horrifying pattern of thinking. Man needs to regroup and get a clue before we destroy our own world. If December 21st, 2012 is the end, it will be our own doing guaranteed because our fear will cause us to do something completely hostile and our brainwashed idea of survival will irrationalize our logic.

Every day is a gift. Live each day to your fullest and don't put an expiration date on your time here. No one can predict the end of the world or the way it will end completely. The more we buy into these deluded ideas, the more we disable ourselves from living the way we should be living. Be good-hearted and truthful and believe in all things good. The Secret tells us the law of attraction and the universe is within our control. If this is so, lets exercise our teachings and just be happy! Manifest destiny and let's prepare to wake-up on December 22nd feeling just as stupid as we did back in 2000. Get real people.

Mr Bigger

2011-04-11T16:06:00.001-07:00

Life can take you to interesting places and can twist and turn into directions you never expected. My quest and search in life for Mr. Big turned into my conquest and victory on getting Mr. Bigger.

Once upon a time I was swept away by someone who I thought to be sincere in his doings. A person who convinced me that his actions and choices were based on what was the best cause of action for the greater picture of life. His words at the time made so much sense, or was it the fact that I was so helplessly naive? Sometimes we want to believe so desperately in love that we let things slide, and we allow ourselves to believe that no harm is being done. It’s a choice we make based on our own personal hopes and wishes.

With every great emotional tidal wave, comes a powerful lesson and mine was one that I thought I had sorted however, life can twist and the truth can come out unexpectedly, at the most inconvenient of times and suddenly put a new spin on that lesson you thought you had dually noted. Finding out that every single word that was uttered to you was a complete lie, and uncovering the truth about the games that were played, is the icing on the cake called Karma.

I made a choice a few months back when I was faced with the first of many lies that would be uncovered. A lie that was explained and erroneously believed on my part, and was considered and then dismissed. There was a moment where my past and my future stared me down and I chose wisely. I chose honesty. I chose respect. I chose the love of my life. You can imagine my relief when I found out that the person I used to cherish turned out to be a compulsive liar and not as genuine as I used to believe. It’s amazing that you can admire a certain quality about someone, and then learn that they never truly possessed that quality at all. They were doomed to fail you. To fail your trust and consequently, to let you down in such a way that is more hurtful than the lie itself. Was it a lie to spare feelings, or a lie to cower from the truth? Why can’t people just be brutally honest?

In any event, sometimes the truth can set you free. I’ve been free for a while although sometimes people who were there for you through hard times can hold a dear place in your heart, and when a person holds that position, and they disappoint you no matter where you are in life, it can still hurt. It can still feel like betrayal even if that person owes you nothing. The only thing some people ask for is honesty, even if it hurts. I just feel like I could have saved myself a year of agonizing and analyzing if I knew the details I know now, back then. It’s like a re-birth of first impressions. Now I know.

Relish it

2011-03-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

It has come to my recent attention that my writing has become somewhat sparse. The truth is I'm not used to being so happy and having so little complaints in my life that I feel I have nothing to vent. As I begin to approach my 10,000 hit mark, and first complete year of writing this blog after the demise of a difficult relationship, I am beginning to realize just how many eyes see this page. It's no Miss 604, but it sure warms my heart to see those numbers go up, as if I have something important and relevant for other people to read.

Many have probably been reading to see my misfortunes and failures, feeling comfort in confirmation of my hardships, and that is fine by me. You don't reach higher ground and earn success without making a few enemies along the way. I am sorry to disappoint you, but it seems those parts of my life, those dramatic moments, and those mountainous molehills have passed. I am now embarking on a more mature chapter of my life and so far, it's my favorite ride in this crazy theme park called life. How does one know when a hard chapter has been laid to rest? Simple. A strong fighter knows from their battles, how to recognize their victories. I am no Charlie Sheen, but I know from recent events and the past few months of my life that I am most definitely WINNING!

Epic

2011-03-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

Is it odd to be sober at the age of twenty-five for the cast majority of my weekend? Is it normal that I wake on a Sunday without the slightest of hangover sensations destroying my insides thus not requiring my signature Tylenol and Gatorade cocktail with a side of greasy cheeseburger? Instead, I wake my mornings and walk to the deli with my boyfriend and buy tasty pastries and Starbucks coffees, or kiss him goodbye as I make my way to the salon to get my hair done at 9:30am; a time that was once never mentioned on weekends. Is this what getting older is? If so, I am liking it.

As I approach an age I always thought I might dread, the closer I near it, the more enthusiasm I have towards it. Thirty is coming, but for now, let's focus on 26. Twenty-Six. Twenty-six? OMG TWENTY-SIX?! Wow. More has happened in my life in the year of twenty-five than any other year in my life before. If this was the year of learning, I can't wait to see what the year of exercising my new found knowledge will bring.

A while back, I posted about a Quarter Life Crisis. Many of my readers are close to my age, and related to this posting I found from an Unknown Author very closely. Think about your twenty-fifth year. Was it a life changing year for you? For the many of us who found this article to be a nail on the head hit to what we were dealing with back then, think to yourselves now: Where are you now? How do you feel about your life now? I am willing to bet it is so much different than it used to be and the feelings you had back then; the heart wrenching fear and stress you had, has slowly dissolved and hopefully, you have found clarity in all the battles you have pushed through. Hopefully, you have found the kind of peace you needed, even if it required a drastic lifestyle change, or perhaps a loss of something or someone that once brought you great joy.

If you are not there yet, and you are still feeling the effects of these losses, I can promise you that someday soon, you will realize, it was all worth it.

Cotton Eye Joe

2011-02-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

Where did you come from and where did you go? Where are you going, and how are you going to get there? Not a day goes by for any of us that we don't ask ourselves questions just like these ones. What is the next step? When you play a video game day after day, beating levels one by one and staying on top of your focus until you masterfully win the game, what do you do next? Do you wait for the next game in its series, or do you find a new challenge to conquer?

The truth is, there will always be more games, and your expertise and problem solving abilities will always be tested to pass each and every level life propels us too after we complete the previous one. As we move up the levels, true to form, they get harder and harder and require more strategy to complete as a winner. Game faces are mandatory.

I used to make a mountain out of every molehill I came face to face with, and it only made the climb that much harder. As I grow older, I find myself less phased by the unfortunate circumstances that god puts before me. Someone reminded me that if life gives you lemons, say fuck it, add vodka and make a lemon drop. I'll drink to that.

A challenge is simply another level to complete. It you are a gamer, you can appreciate the feeling that comes once you have mastered a game. You work hard and put in the time and energy while engaging your brain to figure out the path to winner. Although the feeling of "what do I do now?" once you have beaten the game may seem puzzling, fear not. Another game awaits, as does another challenge in life. The feeling of victory gets sweeter and sweeter each and every time you win and therefore, even if you feel your energies are exhausted, you know that making that heated attempt will be satisfying once you carry out your attack to a win.

Sometimes people can be the levels in our lives. Some of these people can be a constant game. The most victorious feeling is once you have figured these human games out and you have mastered their constant distractions and learned to maneuver your way around the mind tricks, you pass them, leaving them behind in a past level, pushing yourself closer to that finish line.

Strength

2011-02-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

There comes a time where certain battles are not fought with planned methods of attacks, but rather with quick decisions lead by the feelings of the heart. It's amazing that when a family is faced with a crisis, how quick we can be to make the choices we need to make and how strong we can all be through the hits that come from all directions. Our family dog, whom we have had since he was only 5 weeks old, has cancer, and on Thursday we had to amputate his leg. The past weeks have been insanely testing to our strength as individuals and as a family.

Some challenges can't be faced with pre-meditated plans of combat. Sometimes we have to go with the flow of our challenges and allow our gut feelings guide us in the right direction. When things are seriously wrong, you can't stop to think or grieve, or even cry. You just have to do what is necessary to shield your lives of the pain you fear. If you lose the battle, at least you know you tried everything you could to survive.

Even though my once four legged friend, is now a tripod, I know we took the steps necessary to improve his life and the length of it. It's always a good feeling when your strength has been tested, and you amaze yourself by understanding just how high your tolerance can be. The first challenge of 2011 has been conquered for me.

I have happily lightened my work load and am no longer working double shifts. As my relationship progresses, the extra time off is nice to focus on the great man in my life. I have finally let go of the dead weight and allowed my heart to be completely open to someone special. As soon as you let go of what you don't want, you get what you deserve.

My Rocks

2011-01-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

People tell me that in my life there is never a dull moment. The past two weeks has shown me just that. I can't even begin to explain all of the details so I will cut down to the jyst of it. Two weeks ago we were awoken in the middle of the night to someone breaking into my brothers truck. The scariest way to be woken up by far is when you are dead asleep at 4:00am and your Dad wakes up screaming "Everyone up! Get the dog! Call the cops! We gotta go, we're getting robbed!!" and thus follows my father running down the road, my brother following bare foot in the snow, and me explaining to the 911 operator that the man wearing the Rolling Stone pajamas is my father and not the man who walked off with stolen goods from our driveway. They never did catch the guy but it did give me a lovely adrenaline rush to have with my morning tea on what would otherwise be a typical Wednesday morning.

Two nights later at the bar, I became victim for the first time to waitress assault. A coked out customer who did not understand the concept of "last call" threatened to kill me and spat in my face because I wouldn't serve her after I legally was not able to. A note to all your drunks: When we say last call, get your fucking drinks then. Do not wait twenty minutes later to ask me because I will say no. Being a pub waitress is exhausting me beyond belief. The violence is starting to get to me. I think it's almost time to switch it up.

Next was an alarming realization that my dog and my best little buddy, Rocky, had a lump on his hind leg that was bothering him. He has been favoring his leg for about a week and a half now and we've been concerned. On Friday night, I got the surprise of my life when my boyfriend messaged me saying he had come back early from Greece! It was nice having man return from Europe and not only let me know right away, but wanted to see me right away too. It couldn't have come at a better time as I was in desperate need of a hug after a week of desperately trying to keep my strength and it was almost as if he was just in time for my next battle. Yesterday we took my little trooper to the vet only to find out that he has a soft tissue tumor in his leg. At this point we don't know much, just that he is in a lot of pain. They took some samples and are running some test, so we should know by Tuesday or Wednesday what our next step is. Based on what the vet says, and after some online research, there are many different outcomes. It could just be a surgery to remove it, it could mean amputation of his leg. It also could be cancer which is a thought I can't begin to process. That's the thing about pets, is you always outlive them and as we near Rocky's 11th birthday, my heart breaks even thinking about losing him now. Seeing him so medicated and out of it is hard to see, especially from a dog who is always so happy, energetic and cuddly (he gets that from me he he). Even at 10 years old, he still acts like he is a puppy.

When I learned the news it was hard because I was on my way to work when my parents brought him home from his all day vet visit and broke the news to me. Driving to work, I called my boyfriend and sobbed. He was so amazing and he is by my side to help me through this. The two rocks in my life; my man and my Rocky. Right now, the only option is positive thinking and especially in pets, it's important to stay positive and optimistic in their presence as they can sense any negative or depressive vibes. They are amazing animals. He didn't eat all day yesterday and this morning he wouldn't even take toast (his favorite) from my Dad. I sat next to him and made him feel comfortable and gave him some affection, and hand fed him the toast in small pieces. He finally ate it. My little buddy is a trooper and we are all behind him to get through this. For those of you reading this, pray for my Rocky.

My life in dimes

2011-01-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago, after the passing of my grandpa Garfield who took his last breath at the age of 100, my Dad started to find dimes everywhere and in random places. Curious about the peculiar way of it always being dimes, he did some research and found that there are a lot of published theories and stories about dimes being symbolic of someone who has passed, reaching out to us to let us know that we are on the right track. The dimes started appearing for my Dad after he was laid off of his long time position with Bell Canada. It was a hard time for our family but my Dad took comfort in his new dime sensation and took it as a sign from his Dad that things were moving along as they should and that he was going in the right direction. It meant that everything was going to be okay.

I started to pay more attention to dimes but I found that I didn't come across nearly as many as my Dad did, and I would not find them in random places. It convinced me that it was my Dad who was the one who was going through the changes and that's exactly what ended up happening.

Last year I went through a very tough break-up and some very confusing times in many areas of my life. One day for no particular reason I went to visit my Gramps at his graveside. Something I had never done ever since his death. I sobbed in front of the tombstone and admitted my sins and told him I just wanted to get better. My grandparents were very proper Christians and so faith and believing was a very important part of my upbringing for them. Although I had never been too spiritual myself, I was embarking on a breaking point and confessed all my frustrations and pain in the cemetery that day.

It didn't start to happen right away, but about three weeks later I started to notice dimes popping up in places that I wouldn't expect. I would find them under my pillows or within my bedsheets. It started out innocently enough and at first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence but when I started discovering dimes in certain situations and while certain thoughts were going through my head, I knew it was symbolic of my Grandpas faith in me and that he was reminding me that I was moving in the right direction. Lately the signals have been alot stronger and a few weeks ago when I got to my boyfriends house and put my things beside his bed in the place I normally do, it was almost heart stopping when beside his bed in the middle of the floor, there was a dime staring right up at me. It made me feel like I was in the right place and if I ever had any doubts, this was the time to stop having them.

This morning I woke up angry. It was the first time this year that I have woken up unsettled about a situation that has taken over my mind. Sometimes when people wake up angry in the morning they do things on impulse and don't think it through because their mind is still partly clouded from the fresh slumber. My biggest problem is I might say something or send someone a message I will regret later on in the day when my mind is clear and conscious. As I was getting ready for work, a thought came to my mind about putting something that has been bothering me to rest. Putting an end to a situation that has been dragging me up and down for far too long. While having these thoughts and controlling the urge to say something in a haste, I pulled a shirt out from my closet and heard something hit my hardwood floor. I looked down and there was a dime. I felt like it was a sign that my thoughts of freeing myself were the right thing to do, I was still on the right track.

On my way to work this morning, as I was driving down Canada Way another amazing thing happened that instantly pulled my Monday mood to a high ten. A rainbow. The sun was not shining and there was hardly any blue skies, but at least there was a rainbow to remind me that after it rains, something beautiful happens.

The number ten is also symbolic of a full circle completed. It is the perfect balance of positive and negative. Some say it is a sign of change (pun intended) and of good luck and fortune. For myself it is all these things and it is a reminder that my Grandpa Garfield is watching over me and he has faith that I am going the right way in life. If I don't find dimes for a week or so, it's usually because I am veering off track but as soon as I lay the focus down again, they come. It might sound like a great story, but for me it's just reality. Dimes are silently reminding me that I am at the end of my full circle and that change is in store, and that kind of information is not a dime a dozen.

Hold it against me

2011-01-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

Last week, Britney Spears new single "Hold It Against Me" was released and starting climbing charts instantly with it's electro charm. The song was instantly under scrutiny when a country group, known as the Bellamy Brothers accused Brit of having ripped off the song from their 1979 hit "If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me." Although the songs are much different with the exception of perhaps some similarities within the chorus, each one has it's own unique personality. Firstly, one is upbeat with an electro vibe and is pulse pumping whereas the country "version" is well, it's country.

It got me thinking about the similarities of lyrics in relationships as we go from one to another. As time goes on and more music is created, it is inevitable that some songs will have similarities. The more songs released, the higher the chance that someone before had a similar idea, not necessarily the subject of having purposely copied parts or entirety's of the original. In relationships, the more we have, the more inevitable it will be that parts of your relationships will have similarities to the ones of your past. It's isn't a rip-off or an intentional replay of what has previously manifested in your life, it's just the way life works the more we create.

When you find yourself living a de-ja-vu or making harsh comparisons from your current relationship to your past ones, one must be cautious in the assumptions that similarities have been copied or reproduced as a way to make you feel victim. Not everything is necessarily a mock up of what you thought was once unique. The way life works is that while everyone is different and unique in their own way, it doesn't mean that you won't come across things that are similar or even exactly alike.

Right now I find myself in a relationship with an amazing person. Although most of what we feel and experience is new, there are some harsh similarities there of someone I once dated before. I had a choice. I could allow it to haunt me, or I could accept the duplicates and embrace the new lyrics being recited to me. I accepted. Maybe we can never escape our past, maybe the lyrics will always replay, and maybe they might even replay in another song, performed by someone completely different but is it any reason to stop and start pointing fingers? The only thing we can do is enjoy the new music. Hold it against me if I am wrong.

The truth will set you free?

2011-01-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes knowing the truth about a situation that haunts us can overwhelm our thoughts. No matter what the confusion may be, knowing the definite answer is something we crave. Women especially, seek answers that we are unwilling to hear and accept, yet we hunt for them anyways. A friend of mine, and likely not the only woman in her situation is tempted with knowing the truth and being able to access it despite the consequences.

I once dated a guy who had an ex girlfriend that constantly called him. Half of her stuff was still at his place that she used to live in and she would bombard him with messages and phone calls to no end. I am not exaggerating when I say she would call non stop, perhaps thirty times, in a one hour span. I was curious. One night he left his phone in my truck and also left me to leave a party we went to together, alone. I was pissed, and so I went through his phone. Looking back, I realize what a stupid mistake it was. I did learn my fears were true. He was still talking to her and there were claims that they were still sleeping together after a trip we went on together to Whistler. She made reference to this fact because she was upset after seeing pictures of him and I from our trip on Facebook. Going though someones personal objects is not the way to seek the truth. Even though he might have been guilty, I was labelled the bad guy. I was the crazy one because I went through his stuff. A lesson learned and a mistake I will never make again.

The truth is if you are suspicious of something and your gut tells you something is not right, it most likely it isn't. The only other explanation is that perhaps your insecurities are deeper than you think them to be. Either way, the truth will always come out in the end and you don't have to be the one to play detective for the answers to be revealed. You have to have faith and remain positive. Positive to the fact that your life will unfold exactly the way it should. That is what destiny is made of. Be positive and don't search for reasons to make your stomach flip. Life has a way of revealing things to us without us digging until we make ourselves crazy. Go with the flow of life and never sell yourself short of what you feel like you deserve. Think before taking actions that could cause severe consequences and consider other variables before you zone in on one conclusion. We do crazy things on impulse but in my experience, this is not the solution to your problems.

Reset

2011-01-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

And so begins the new year with all of the hopeful dreams and plans of reinvention within each of us. Although New Years is simply a calendar reset, it prompts us to reset our brains as though the beginning of the new date is the equivalent of standing on the start line of a new race, on a new track that we have never been on before. The truth is that each and everyday is never too late to reinvent yourself. You can make a change at any point in time. It doesn't need to be promoted by a date change. Nevertheless, we find ourselves carrying our days renewed and feeling refreshed in this 2011 year of endless possibilities. If a calendar reset creates this optimism about your life, then let it. If it promotes positivity for change then it can only be seen as a good thing. Just remember, tomorrow is never too late to be brand new so if you slip up or make a wrong turn somewhere, don't let it ruin your year. Many of us tend to do this to ourselves each and every year and it only manifests more bad things to come. Keep on that positive roll and your life will unfold.

The past month has been draining. I took some much needed timeout from my usual writing routine to focus on my mental health and boy am I glad that I did. I went through some intense hypnosis style therapy treatments that ultimately reset my brain and got out a lot of the negativity I've been feeling. For those of you who think therapy is hokey, I understand, and I used to stand on that side of the opinion as well but when I ran out of ideas to try and correct the things that were bringing me down, I gave in to opening up to a stranger about my life. It was the best thing I could ever do for myself.

This time of year, many of us like to look back at where we have come from and question whether or not we have inched our lives forward in the direction we wish to go. We compare where we are now to where we were then and how we are going to propel ourselves up to the next desired level of achievement. Last year my social life was booming, but my career was not-so-hot. I didn't write, and I was settling for mediocre. I had no real sense of value to myself. I felt just like a lot of people feel; stuck and the only thing ahead is a dead end. Throughout my year I suffered highs and lows just like anyone else. One day wishing I were dead, and the next happy-as-can-be. I lost a lot of long time friends because of life's often predictable way of separating interests and distance as we grow older, and apart. I miss them very much but sometimes sacrifices need to be made in order to better number one: YOU. Most of us are afraid of change and therefore we avoid it. In the new year we are all for change and so for any of you who try to avoid spoiling your perfect routine, now is the time to try something new. Don't be afraid of it. A quote keeps replaying in my mind each and every day to remind myself that what I am doing, although difficult, is what needs to be done. The rewards are coming. This is my year, I can feel it.

"When you finally let go of what you don't want, you get what you deserve"

Inspiration

2010-12-27T19:29:00.000-08:00

Until very recently, the story of Rocky Balboa was just a Hollywood hit to me with an inspiring message within it. Now that I know what went into the development of that movie and how the legendary film came to be, I am truly inspired by Sylvester Stallone's story of how he made it. Born poor, he struggled to make ends meat and was even pawning off his wife's jewelry to feed himself. At one point, Sly sold his best friend in the whole world for $100 in front of a liquor store, his dog. During this time he was inspired by a Mohamed Ali fight and wrote a screenplay which would later be known as the story of Rocky. He went around to different agencies trying to sell his movie.

What was different on his approach of selling his movie was that he was determined to become a movie star and therefore his only rule of sale was that he would have to star in the movie. No one wanted to cast an unknown as the star lead in a feature film. One agency even went as high as $100,000 US for his movie, but he refused, staying true to his dream of starring in the movie. Finally a settlement was reached of $30,000 and he would get to star in the movie. With his money he waited outside that liquor store for a few days until he finally came across the man he sold his best friend to. He ended up buying his dog back from the man for over $10,000 and that dog would later be part of the film and known as Butkis. From there the rest is history. Rocky exploded and became a huge success and Sly even won for Best Actor for his role in the movie. Proof that dreams can come true.

Whether you are poor, unhealthy, or at rock bottom in any way, you can't get to the top if you don't climb from some point that is lower. That is how we grow. That is how we learn. This is where success comes from. It stems from the struggle and it's created by continuous effort and survival instincts. Dreams are not made up from fairy tales, they are made from a desire in our hearts, whatever that may be.

Simplicity is bliss

2010-11-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time coming. After continuous support and encouragement from my friends, and reassurance that one day my time would come, it did.

Routine is something that most of us take comfort in. You wake up, and effortlessly dive into the activities that you do daily, in whichever order you normally complete them. Sometimes slight tweaks to your daily routine can change the momentum of your day. Simple tweaks such as putting eggnog in your morning coffee for your journey in traffic during the chilly holiday season, or leaving early so that if there is major traffic, you don't get agitated and worry that you might be late for work. Simplicity is bliss.

As you go about your routine, sometimes fate steps in and makes other plans for your otherwise controlled life habits. They say that life is what happens when you are making other plans and that sometimes the ghosts of your past can lead you to your future. My friends kept telling me that when I least expected something to happen, that's when it would blindside me. I have been letting the ghosts of my past haunt me for far too long, and letting the memories of when I was happy replay over and over in my mind, making it feel impossible to get to that place again. As soon as I let go of the expectations that things would happen overnight, that something magical was going to happen, when I became realistic about the process of life, and how things that are meant to happen, just happen, that's when the momentum changed.

Everyone goes through challenges in their life. Everyone has obstacles and everyone feels pain. Whether or not we feel that someone elses pain is less than our own, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day it is still pain, and it hurts. Period. Sometimes we spend too much time tapping into our pain, and forgetting the simplistic things in life. The things like our daily routine and our morning shower and how it feels so nice to be warm and clean, with a fresh glow as we step out onto our bath mats. Focus on one motion at a time, and one day at a time and it takes the stress right out. It's amazing how unclouding your mind of the usual "I have so much to do in the next couple months, years, etc" can take the weight off your shoulders.

For those of you who read this, and know me well, know what has recently changed in my life. This year has been difficult and I have been weeding out the negative people in my life one by one. Parting is always such sorrow but that's life. People change directions and become someone else completely and even if those people have been in our lives for as long as we can remember, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have to continue our journey with them if we have no longer have anything in common. It's all part of the process

The new addition to my life came out of nowhere just as I was told it would. It blindsided me completely. Where I came from, and where I am now is absolutely amazing and this is only the start of my journey.

If you can't take the heat, get the f*%$ out of the kitchen

2010-11-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me not to give up on what you want and desire in life. The only way that dreams can come true is if they are kept alive. Someone also once told me not to give up on love, so why is it that sometimes we feel as if we can't accomplish satisfying both of those desires at the same time? Why is it that we can only allow our minds to focus on one thing at a time? Are we so jaded, that we can't risk sabotaging our own personal wants for our lives, to potentially win another life battle, if not both at the same time?

The truth is, you don't really get to decide when you get to choose love, because it chooses us. It's easy to put something on a back burner, while you pay attention to the other pots on the stove. A master chef knows how to keep an eye on all the courses he has in progress (job, house, family, etc.), and he can still create a five star meal when he is done. A masterful mind will know how to juggle and handle all tasks at the same time, and will have gotten used to adjusting his times to satisfy all his dishes.

Excuses are the words of someone who doesn't know his or her way around the kitchen. Someone who is still figuring out how to make a meal out of the ingredients available. I'm sick of the excuses, and I'm over them all. When life hands me lemons, I like to add sugar to try and make lemonade, but some of those lemons are too sour to sweeten, and sometimes you just need to throw them away. Life is way too short to let opportunity pass you by. The stronger man will take the things put in front of them, make the best out of them, and will put in effort to make the variables work. The weaker ones however, will let opportunity pass them by and will wake up one day with regret. We choose our life to a certain degree, but at a certain point, it chooses us. It's up to the wiser to recognize when this happens.

Jaded or not, it's time to move forward and let your fears and insecurities go. Life happens ONCE! You have ONE life to make it happen, so get your head out of your ass and take advantage of the one life you have. You can be the stronger man or the weaker man. Which one are you?

Warm Hearts

2010-11-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

Red cups. Radiantly warming red cups are taking over my life and I am loving every minute of it. With increased traffic during rush hour in the cooling winter months, I find myself toting my laptop with me, parking inside a new Starbucks near my office, and indulging in one of the many holiday favorites brewing, and being served in their signature red cups. While nine to five grinders battle traffic in front of me on Lougheed Hwy, I sip my caramel apple spice in warmth, and without profanity. Ha!

With the holidays fast approaching, it's easy to feel the warmth and love around us. Things are festively decorated when we leave our houses, and people begin to run around aimlessly shopping for the perfect gift for their loved ones. It can be stressful at times, but when the time comes around that we gather with those most important to us, sharing stories and laughter, it all seems so worth it, doesn't it? What about those less fortunate than us? Those who have no family to spend these times with, or fading health that keeps them from enjoying the true benefits we get from the holidays? Do we ever stop to think about life on the other side of comfort?

This year, I added a title to my name. Volunteer. It has single handedly made me view life in a different way, and this time of year those feelings have hit me quite hard. As I volunteer my time at events, and Gala's, I have had the opportunity to meet with, and hear stories from those families who have faced one of the most challenging battles that life can throw at you. Outliving your child. I can't put into words the pain that someone must endure when being faced with that kind of heartache. When I decided to be a volunteer at a children's hospice, during my interview, I was asked why? Why children? Why not a normal hospice? My answer was simple. While I do respect my elders, and I do believe that anyone with a terminal illness deserves to be cared for until the bitter end, there is one thing that differs from an adult hospice, to a children's hospice, and that's adulthood. Children with terminal illnesses, don't often see life as an adult, and so it makes it even more important to allow that child to live their life to the fullest, and granting as many of their life wishes as possible, for oftentimes, they will not live to see their 30th birthday.

This year, I feel more of a warm feeling in my heart, because I am part of a cause for once. When we are so wrapped up in our own lives, it's easy to forget that there are other people out there, who do not have the same luxuries that we do. Simple luxuries, such as being able to get yourself your own glass of milk and cookies at 2am when you have that late night craving. If you can do one thing to make your heart smile this season, even if it's minuscule, even if it's a simple donation to a food bank; do it. Every small portion is contributing to a bigger cause, and if the cause is good, why not make the effort?

The Law of Attraction

2010-11-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

Sundays can sometimes be a day of complete serenity. This morning I woke up well rested, and feeling warm inside. It was odd, especially after a busy week. After finishing the last purchases for my Dad's birthday present, I find myself feeling strangely content as I write this to you from the children's hospice I volunteer at every Sunday. My day was off to an early start this morning, and following my shift here, I am off to shop for decorations, then decorate the section I have reserved for my Dad's birthday dinner, and then it's time to round up my family for a night out in celebration.

As I walked through the gates, and up the pathway leading me to the gorgeous Shaugnessy mansion I am blessed to be a part of, I noticed that we have gotten an early start on the holiday decorations. It made my heart smile anticipating the level of warmth that radiates through this house each and every single time I am here, and even more so during the Christmas holidays. I can't wait to see this place looking like a gingerbread house, with snow blanketing the grounds around it. Sometimes we forget to appreciate the simple things in life, the things we take for granted. Every time I am here, I remember the power that love has. Love and kindness is what extends the life of these children, and allows them to go peacefully to rest when god is ready to welcome them. This house is completely full of love. If only we could all learn from Canuck Place, we would all be taking the first step to better the world. If only life could be so simple.

I know what I have learned, and that is that being a rude and bitter person, and making decisions that you know will hurt someone, is not the way to embrace life. Being a friendly, and positive person, is what gets you positive results. While greed is beneficial in some ways, it still must be exercised correctly in order to be effective. The Law of Attraction is a mysterious and fantastic rule. The term "when it rains it pours" is a great example of how this law works. When something bad happens to you, you tend to get into a bitter funk about it. You think negatively, and then suddenly, BAAM, another devastation hits you. Now you find yourself even more upset, having manifested one upset from another. Your negativity rises and then again, true to the form of the law of attraction, another blow to your falling apart world.

You envy those who seem to have everything great happening to them. The people whose smiles beam brightly in every picture. The person who got a new job, a new car, and the perfect relationship all within one month. There's a simple reason why people are either getting all the shit in life, or all the benefits, and it has nothing to do with luck. Hard work is definitely a factor always, but on top of that, it's actually quite simple. Positivity attracts more positivity. Think about it. Remember a time when good things were happening one after the other. It has happened to us all at least once. Now go back to that feeling. That happiness. You were the one who attracted all that goodness. This is because your original feeling of happiness and excitement, manifested and rolled effortlessly into everything around you, causing other positive things to happen. Sometimes even if you are sad, forcing a smile will make you feel better. Yes, even if it is forced. Try it.

Speak Now

2010-11-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's funny how music can make life and all the sweetest parts of life, seem so simple. Lyrics can carry your thoughts to a completely different place. Do you ever daydream when you hear a song? You imagine what the music video would look like if you were to base it on your life, and the people in it. I do this frequently, and I have been doing it ever since I got my first CD, TLC -Crazy Sexy Cool when I was younger. I used to put it in my Sony Shock disc man, put on my headphones, and float away mentally to the stories expressed through song.

I think this was the point in my life, where I got the idea in my head, that love was the most powerful emotion of all. It was because year after year, and after each and every album I added to my collection, the stories of love and heartbreak, filled my ears on a daily basis.

Last Sunday, on my Metrotown excursion, I picked up a few new Cd's. I've been buying a lot of Cd's these days. It pulls me out of my depression when I can allow myself to daydream. I got the new Far East Movement which is a pretty fun CD to listen to. I'm very into electronic and house music, though my music taste is a broad scale and ranges all the way from Country to Techno. Variety is the spice of life. I also picked up the last Deadmau5 album, in anticipation for his new release in December. For those of you who have not heard Deadmau5, I strongly encourage you to check him out. He is my morning coffee on the way to work. It's an instant mood booster. I had his CD in my truck the other week, and my Dad borrowed it to go to the store. Even my 53 year old father commented on how cool his music was. I was impressed.

Of course my medication would not be complete without the new Taylor Swift CD, Speak Now. A CD that has effortlessly lifted my spirits from low to high everyday this week. Her lyrics are so simple, and so concise. It makes me realize how the simple things in life, mean so much, and how complicated situations, can bring so many emotions out of you.

Depression is a vicious cycle. This time of year, when the weather is cold and gloomy, it can certainly heighten all the sad emotions that comes with this often overlooked illness. One day you can be happy, and feeling optimistic and positive about life, and the next day, you feel like everything is caving in, and you start to feel loss of control. Just know that you are never alone in your emotions, there is someone else going through the same thing, if not worse than you- like the jumper on the Patella bridge yesterday morning. You don't know how hard it is for someone else, because alot of us are good at putting on a happy face. This is one reason why you should always treat others with kindness and without disrespect, because you never know what is going on inside, and how close to breakdown one might be. If you feel yourself losing control, listen to your favorite song and daydream. I guarantee it will make you feel better.

My Saturday poison: Haunted- T Swift

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and its all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake
Holding my breath, won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold

Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishin he was you instead

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted
Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You're not gone, you can't be gone
No

Come on, come on don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone can’t go back
I’m haunted

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break
Never thought I'd see it

Chapter 4: Talk to the hand

2010-11-13T04:37:00.000-08:00

As I begin to write this, it's 4:00 am. I have been up for about 22 hours now, 16 of which I have spent working. This is what I like to call my power Fridays. After an eventful night at the bar, complete with a few attempted fist fights, a headbutt, and a whole lot of drunk people later, I feel relaxed and relieved as I lay here under my blankets, in my bed writing this for your entertainment. This week has been hectic, both physically and mentally. With so many realizations and happenings coming to the surface and revealing themselves to me, it's no wonder I bury myself in work all the time. Just a few bumps, a showing of true colors, and a wake-up call later, and I'm starting to feel somewhat normal. Emphasis on the somewhat.

With all the chapters of my life replaying themselves aimlessly through my head, my book is pouring out of me like no tomorrow. I can't stop. The final plan came to me within this past week, and I am completely confident that this is completely genius. I have to thank all the men in my life, both past and present, who have taught me valuable lessons and hurt me in some way, for the breakthrough flowing out of me.

Sometimes we just need to say "Here I am. This is who I am, and who I am going to be. If you want to be a part of it in any way, friend or foe, the door is open for you" and leave it at that. We can't run around aimlessly, hoping for miracles when miracles are not even a glimpse in the distance. Miracles come out of nowhere, when you are about to, or have already lost faith or hope. It's never too late for a new beginning or a fresh start. Every morning you wake up, you can make the change to completely change your life, or you can get stuck in the cycle. You have this choice every time you open your eyes after your slumber. Tomorrow is never too late. Be who you want to be, and not who you think someone else will like. Live for what you want and chase it the same way you would chase a person you were lusting after. Don't stop until it is yours. gratify yourself.

At this point, I can bairly keep my eyes open. It's time for some shut eye.

Radar

2010-11-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

A series of events in life, takes you to a moment of realization. This is called an epiphany. I have just had one in a major way. Recently, there have been some events in my life that have definitely changed my view and outlook on my life as a whole. It wasn't one particular thing that happened, there were a few. Sometimes the unfortunate truth is that it takes getting hurt, to understand yourself better and make you re-calculate your game plan. Writing this is hard.

Last night, I went out with work friends. Since I work as much as I do, its no surprise that some of the closest people to me, that know many of the details of my present life, are those who I see every week. We went out for dinner and then drinks and I had a really great time. Even though last night was a lot of fun, after everything that has been happening for me, I realized that last night would have to be the last time I have that kind of fun for a while. It seems like it's time to fall under the radar once again, to sort out everything going on upstairs for me, and focus on my writing and where I want to go. It's time to truly let fate takeover.

Day to day, I am just doing my own thing. I wake up and decide what I want to do and need to get done in a day, and whatever happens along the way, is what was meant to happen. I can't keep taking detours to alter the way things are supposed to play out. When it's the right time, it will happen. I am not bitter or resentful at this point. I feel at peace and happy, because I have some truly amazing people and friends in my life, and yes, even the ones that have to lie to me.

Sometimes, it's necessary for us to step outside of our own lives and take a look from an outsiders point of view. This is difficult to do but if you can, you might see things and realize things about yourself that you would be ashamed to admit. It's easy to get clouded in our own little world and not see things as clearly as you see them when they happen to other people. Things like when a man hits a woman. When it happens to your friend, and she stays with him, you think its absolutely absurd but if your boyfriend did it to you, you concoct some story to make it reasonable and acceptable to justify the actions. The advice of our friends often is not enough, sometimes we need advice from someone completely outside, like a therapist, to help us along the way.

We just need to live life day to day, and take more time to think about the steps we take before we take them. Sometimes timeouts are a good thing, and not meant to be insulting to those you care about, whom you just can not find the time for until you have leveled out the bricks you want to lay. They will never see it coming, when you come out from under the radar, new and improved. Shiny and new.

Be good or be good at it

2010-11-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, not every day can be full or success and triumph, but the important thing to focus on day to day is to continue to put the plan of action into motion. Sometimes we learn things about people that can astonish us and maybe we learn things about ourselves that we didn't realize before. Sometimes life shines a light on something that changes our entire pattern of thinking. What do you do when this happens? Do you over think and over analyze it, or do you simply just carry on? As you were.

I am horrible for letting the people in my life and their decisions, whether impacting me directly, or themselves negatively, affect me. The past couple months it seems like one after another, I am rudely awoken to the true colors of people that I had thought to be something and someone completely different. What do you do when you wake up one day and everything you ever knew about one person, is suddenly a lie? It's simple. You carry on. You either choose to accept that person and all their flaws and mistakes, or you don't. Either way, you carry on and continue forward with YOUR plan. This is not an easy thing to do for some people, and myself included. It's challenging. At the end of my day, as selfish as it might seem, my new pattern of thought, is if I'm okay and I did what I needed to do that day, then I'm good. Be good or be good at it. I'd sacrifice being good to be good at it. That's the truth.

If you have ever found yourself exhausted from constantly helping and being there for those around you, or you constantly worry about everyone else, and neglect yourself in the process, stop it. Be greedy. Be a bit selfish for a while. The only person who looks out for you, is you. I keep forgetting and it needs to be drilled into my brain some days. Today is not one of those days. You don't get good at anything by focusing on everything and everyone around you. It only works when you dedicate yourself completely to the thing that matters most to you. This is it. This is mine. It's writing.

Monday was a good day. Monday night is now upon me and I have an action packed night planned of blissful nothingness. I'm in control again and I don't care who tries to knock me down, or hurt me along the way. If someone hurts you, or disrespects you, fuck them. Continue you.

I was recently interviewed Olena Morozova on the evolving faces of family. Here is the article, if you feel so inclined, to read:

http://www.thelasource.com/en/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=515:-the-evolving-face-of-the-family&catid=2:coverstory&Itemid=1

Running wild and a moment of awesome.

2010-11-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

I am alive. Some days I feel as if I bairly am existing. My schedule can take a full grip onto me and when that happens, it's like nothing outside my bubble exists except for the tasks at hand. I am definitely becoming forgetful.

The past few weeks of my life have been nothing short of eventful and full of surprises. There has been sadness, laughter, happy memories made, and interesting experiences that I can't even explain the feelings they have left me with. Sometimes you have to take life one day at a time to avoid making yourself crazy. I will share with you the most interesting and bizarre aspects of my life that I have dealt with the past 6-8 weeks. I was not planning on sharing the details of my dating life in my blog, however I have been told that my experiences are hilarious and remind them of a Sex and the City tale. This is not the first time I have been told this. In no particular order, here is my update and verdict on the men who have made quite the impressions on me.

As you may remember, I decided to venture into online dating. A venture I must say, is unpleasant and not my choice cup of tea. While I have only met three of the 15749089209467 "sex?" messaging bachelors in person, I have definitely seen a different angle of the single world by venturing into this sea. For the most part, this sea is black, but once in a very long while, you might cross a great white shark.

Bachelor #1: A youth pastor. That should have been my first clue. I may not be a bad seed, but I definitely have a wild side, one that can never be tamed by a man of god. I need my guy to have a bit of a wild side too, or it will never work. We met online. After the first couple weeks of talking, he asked to take me on a date, which I agreed to. The following night, he had gone downtown with some friends and was texting me throughout the night. Periodically asking the cliche "how is your night going?" At around 1:00am, he said something completely bizarre, and truthfully although I was not dating this guy, it ticked me off and appalled me that he would even give me this information. He responded to my question with pretty much this "Sucked. I am at home now. The girls went home because it was raining. The girl I was into went home so I was disappointed." Now here's something some men don't get about this situation.. some might say "why were you mad, you aren't dating him?" Dually noted. I am not dating him however, it's just proper manners. Don't ask a girl out on a date and then tell her how you were into some other girl the following day. It's rude and definitely a buzz kill to the anticipation of going on a first date with someone. Next.

Bachelor #2: Another online hook. This one was a real prize. After a few weeks of friendly text messages, this guy bares to me that he is racist. "I hope you don't mind but I hate N****rs. WTF?? Firstly, that is so completely rude and disappointing. I am definitely not a racist or homophobic person. In fact, I have friends from all walks of life, and I am proud to be the kind of person who does not make reservations about who can and can not be a part of my life. Even though I wrote him off right then and there, I was curious and wanted to do some research anyways. Just as I suspected, this guy had an underlying anger issue and snapped at me one day for sending him a "Hey stranger" message. When I say snapped, I mean this guy went ape shit on my for no apparent reason. He swore at me and called me names, and I had never even met the guy. When I attempted to defend myself he responded in typical male asshole form, with the accusation that I was the "crazy" one. Dear Bachelor #2. Please seek anger management. Next.

Bachelor #3: Probably the funniest experience of my dating life. This guy was responsible for my awesome moment of the year. I met him at my work. As a not so bad looking waitress, its no surprise that I get hit on a lot. Drinks + cleavage bearing shirt = tip money and my pick of the litter on who I would like to spend the night with. If I was a nymphomaniac, I'd be in heaven however, I usually refrain from even giving out my phone number to my customers. A few weeks ago, there was a rare exception to my rule. I hung out with this guy a couple times and we were hitting it off quite well. My schedule got insanely hectic and even though I wanted to go out, I didn't have the time to. He would text me all the time asking me to come over. Always the day of. Now here's the deal with me; I am a lady. Do not text me the day of asking me to come over to your house so you can grope me on your couch. Take me for dinner. Plan in advance. I need at least 24 hour notice. I kept telling him this in a nice and polite way "I'm pretty busy the next few days but if you want to plan something for _____day, we could do that." Nothing. Then, a few days later on said day, he would want to hang out. Couldn't you have just planned that? Anyways, I believe this guy got sick of my apparent "excuses" and one Thursday a couple weeks ago, he texted me with the same old "come over" song and dance, which I politely declined explaining that I had to work a double the next day and I needed to get some rest. The following night at my work, he comes in with another girl. He comes up to me and give me a hug and says Hi. He sits in my section. The girl, while sweet, was rather homely looking. Normally the rule of thumb if you are a game player is that if you are going to attempt to make someone jealous by showing up with a new prize, you make the prize better looking than the one you had before. After serving them their first round, I chalked it up as "oh, he's just with a friend, no big deal" and then after he was about two thirds into his pale ale, I wandered over to check on him and ask if he wanted another beer. His hand was definitely groping her leg. This guy was on a date. Not wanting to be symptomatic of the classic over reactions women sometimes give to men like this, I took their next drink order and walked back to the bar to grab them. A devious smile came across my face and I knew what my next move was going to be. I walked back to his table, with my cutest smile on my face. He was smiling at me too. As I gently placed the pale ales on his table I said to him (while he was groping her) in my very sweetest and sexiest voice "So. I'm really sorry I couldn't come over last night, I was really exhausted and I had a long day. It was a very tempting offer." The look on his face was absolutely priceless. I felt awesome. She was stunned and he was shunned. Don't play with fire unless you want to get burned. Next.

Bachelor #4: I have a friend, whom I have known 11 years. He has had a crush on me since high school. We all hang out in a big group every so often of guys and girls. Up until a couple months ago, he was dating a girl who became part of our friendly family. She really is a very sweet girl whom I have always gotten along with. When they broke up, and he and I saw each other at our friends parents anniversary party a few weeks later, we half hooked up. After that he started sending me dirty messages and pictures that you would never show your grandmother. I kept blowing him off. I was very turned off by the way he would try and "entice" me to go and hang out with him. No thanks. Last weekend at our annual Halloween hockey fundraiser bash, both his ex and I were both there. He and I agreed to be just friends so all night, we were fine and having a great time. He was hanging around his ex a lot during the night, so when he messaged me looking for me at the party at closing time, I figured it was because as always, we all usually go to the same after party together. As soon as we get to this party, he literally jumps me in the bathroom and tried to make out with me among other things. I told him no. Later on, outside while I was having a cigarette, he tried again, and this time I literally had to heave his lunging body off of mine on a sidewalk stoop. I left shortly after and my two close girlfriends went off with the boys to the second after party. The next day I found out from my friend that after he tried to hook up with me and got shut down, he tried to hook up with her. The icing on the cake is the fact that he is still sleeping with his ex on top of all this. Men are hilarious and scandalous. Next.

So here I am, still single and still dating. My schedule has definitely played a huge factor in the dating game. It makes me wonder if I can even have a real relationship with someone. I decided that instead of putting pressure on what I want, I am just going to live day to day. This advised from my best friend Stacy- thank you muffin.

Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to fit the puzzle pieces together. I keep hearing that as soon as you stop looking, the pieces show up and come together. Every day is a new journey and sometimes we just need to slow our brains down and let the motions flow as they want to. Everything in life happens for a reason, and sometimes it takes 100 failures to get the one success in any avenue of life. This has proven to be true for me with jobs. I have had a lot of horrific job experiences and I finally found "the one." I am so happy in both of my workplaces now that on some days, it's my favorite part. Isn't that funny? Yes I admit it, I like working. As we prepare for the worst winter in 55 years, its important that we remember to slow down. If you are dealing with a lot of stuff all at once, you need to separate each one and prioritize it all to avoid making yourself crazy and your brain cells pulsate. My girlfriend at work and I were doing a word scramble a few weeks ago and she showed me an interesting technique on how to solve them easily that made me think about applying this same method to all of lifes challenges and scrambles. Instead of staring at the word, especially the longer words such as FITFYULDIC, take the letters and write them in a circle. When you look at the letters arranged separately and spaced apart in a circle, our brain can register the letters better and it will be easier to solve the puzzle. Without much difficulty. Try it now. Get it?

That's all for now. Today is my day off. A day for shopping and a new CD. I need to stock up on my soul food if I am going to survive this winter.

Chapter 3 is called Dating.. Gulp

2010-10-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

It is unavoidable that once one has gone through a bad break-up, has spent some time experiencing the highs and lows of single life, and re-created themselves by the process of healing, and renewing themselves, that one will eventually take the ever so dreaded, yet exciting, leap back into dating. Real dating.

After months of suggested innuendos, weeding out toxic bachelors, and getting my own life back on track by way of a new, and much better career, I have finally done the unthinkable. I have just experienced my first, first date since the crash and burn of the past two years of my life. I had forgotten what it felt like to go on a normal, sincere date. We met about a month ago and have since been engaging in casual conversation. Last week, we decided that one on one time would be a good idea, and thus following my Thanksgiving dinner, still experiencing my triptifan high, I went on a real live date. It was purely innocent. Drinks at my work, a movie, and a slightly awkward and nerve racking drive back to my place where we had the "what are you doing this week" conversation followed by a simple kiss. I was home by midnight, Cinderella style. The great thing is, although I had a great time, I am not setting my expectations too high. I am just happy that I took that first step for myself, to regain the confidence I once had. Testing your readiness is the hardest part.

When you have been chewed up, and spit out, your only recourse is to digest your emotions, and feel out the ups and downs of what you have just experienced. I believe going through the pivotal low points, and allowing yourself to feel the wicked feelings that comes with healing, is the only way to make the point of recovery feel sweeter than the last time you crawled out of the pit. If you are down on the ground, and feet keep on kicking you, eventually the kicking will stop, whether you survive the blows or not. If you do survive, and you get up, and you walk it out until the bruises heal, you will find new strength and courage that did not exist before. This is because you have just survived. Survival is for the fittest. I may not be at full strength, but I am back in the ring, and that's all that matters.

Leaving the Masquerade Party...

2010-10-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Every so often, we have one of those days that we can't wait to forget. Today is one of those days. While nothing really seemed to actually happen to bring out my bitterness, it came. Some days, the loneliness can kick you right in the ass and it seems impossible to get yourself back up on your feet, ready to charge forward.

My very special friend, who is pursuing his passions overseas told me something that I have done a lot of thinking about over the past month or so. He told me that I need to take off my mask. We all have these masks that we get into to hide the real pain we feel, and we become afraid to take these masks off for fear of what the reactions we get might be. I've been putting on this happy face mask for the most part, pretending that everything is okay, but truthfully, I am slowly dying inside and torturing myself. I try and try to be positive and optimistic about the future, but the truth is, I am terrified. It eats my insides slowly each and every day and it's time for me to take off the mask and divulge my true emotions. I am lonely, and it is painful.

When you want to move on, and you are truly ready for it, and need it as well, when it doesn't happen, and you constantly set yourself up for what seems like failure each and every time, it can be very discouraging. You almost want to quit. Give up. You feel like hope is lost, and every road is a dead end. Reality says it never is. There is always a light at the end of every tunnel, it's getting there that's the problem. The battle is the hardest part, and just like a war, it can last for what seems like forever.

The worst feeling ever is feeling rejected, or neglected. When you are finally putting yourself out there, and get knocked down every time, it's hard to keep faith. How much can we really push ourselves? How much of our emotional well being are we truly willing to gamble to get the grand prize? At this point, I feel like I don't even have so much as a single chip to cash in on. I feel like I am in the hole, and I'm not sure if I am willing to pull more from my pockets to take another shot at winning. Why is it that we can have pretty much everything we want, but the one thing we don't have, can still feel like it all adds up to nothing? While I still hold on to hope that I will solve the equation, I still fear that I have had all the wrong formulas. I am not sure how many more wrong answers I can handle before I am unable to retake the test, and otherwise fail.

So there you have it. My mask is off. Now you know. I am alone and it's killing me.

Tweek it out

2010-10-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

When I was in elementary school, I was introduced to the term "growing pains". From what I was taught, it was the awkward body pains I was feeling as I began to turn from child to adolescent. At present life, in my mid twenties, I am now saddened by the harsh reality of the pains of growing up. Suddenly instead of our bodies changing, and feeling physical pain from it, we are now faced with the emotional pains of dealing with our entire environment and its dynamics, changing completely. People grow up, and people move forward, and not everyone we have grown to love will move forward with us, and sadly, we see them fall off of our wagon, and we watch them fade further and further into the distance behind us.

If it's one thing we need to pay attention to, that you would think is a no brainer, is our choices. Unfortunately there are times where we fail to realize how even the smallest decisions, can make a big impact on the dynamics of our environment, and how those choices can play out into our reality. No one ever really outweighs the variables before making choices -maybe it's just the age we are at- and this is how mistakes are made, hearts are broken, and forever turns into a question. Forever? The problem with choices is that it's a lot like rolling the dice, and gambling for that magic number. We hope for the perfect combination of momentum and luck to get the results we desire. We either over think it, or we don't think about it enough.

A choice I have made, which I have yet to find if it is the right or wrong way to operate, is one by one, eliminating causes of stress in my life. It can be anything from people who I believe, are bad for me, to my eating habits. It's time to experiment with my choices and change the dynamics of my environment, and hopefully find a new sense of balance. Sometimes the only way to achieve a new kind of happiness, is to climb out of your element, and allow yourself to be more open minded about a new setting. Make a small adjustment, and see how it plays out. Choose to do it. For example, If your only social activities are going to a bar, or are always involving drinks, try to not drink for a few weeks, and go out and enjoy other activities that you would have otherwise passed on, because there was not a bar on location. If you are running on a treadmill every single day and are in the same old boring gym routine, do something different. Go outside, or go rock climbing indoors. It's not always about making big and life altering decisions. Sometimes a few little tweaks here and there, and a footstep or two outside your normal element, might be exactly what you are looking for, and need to add that extra zest to your life.

Variety is the spice of life. mix it up.

Just Sayin..

2010-09-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Observing and learning from people might be the most consuming, and yet sometimes the most rewarding thing one can do for themselves. I have paid close attention to many minor details in certain people who have touched my life, for better and some for worse, and I am pleasantly surprised, and not to mention proud of the findings I have come to mentally notate. They say you should not concern yourself with other peoples problems, however sometimes paying extra attention might teach you things about the people you have come to trust, that might entice you to put up some much needed barriers between yourself and those people.

Lesson One: The pregnancy game. Many women I know have had children. I am so proud of these women for what they have been able to accomplish and succeed at for the benefit of their children. I have watched a few of my close girlfriends go through ups and downs, and have found a new appreciation for the art of single motherhood. Make no mistake people; it is a truly unique art, one that painters such as Van Gogh and Picasso could not recreate with the same beauty. Others have disappointed me. Sometimes it is not always necessary to try and make a relationship work with the father for the benefit of your child, especially when said father is a drug addict, extremely abusive, and perhaps might even steal money or belongings from you for the purpose of buying more dank. Just saying. And then there is the case of the woman who does not have a ring on her finger, and thus retorts to such drastic measures that she might even plan a pregnancy that her spouse is not aware of, or is not keen on. It doesn't matter what he wants, or has planned for his own life and the future, what matters is her needs right now. Said woman might even keep a calendar of her lady movements, just to increase the chance of the pregnancy that she always dreamed of having, the one that her and her "husband" were happy to plan in her childhood fantasies, the one that she imagined he would be happily encouraging and contributing to as well, with open arms, and an open heart. My observation of women has concluded that while we are beautiful and nurturing creatures that give new meaning to life, we sure can also be fucking crazy; not to mention stupid. I always wondered where these men got the term "Bitches are Crazy" from. Now I am certain of where it was rooted from.

Lesson Two: Objects are meant to be played with. When creating a reputation for thy self, one must consider what their actions will convey to those around us, and what those around us will tell those around them, and so on. If you want to be more like a man as far as dating is concerned; playing the field, having the freedom to date/sleep around, not answering to anyone at any time of day- even if it is 2am on a Sunday and you have to work in the morning, or just simply want to have a lot of no strings attached fun, then do so, but be prepared for the reputation that will be soon to hinder. If you do not, then do not settle for less than what it is that you are looking for. It happens very often that a person can get lonely, and during these lonely spells, a situation of a casual hookup will become available to you. Being in the heat of a spell, often times, we take the bait and get hooked on something that had little to no chance of going anywhere from the start, and then we get upset and angry when things don't work out. The only reason we went for it in the first place was because in the gloomy grey skies of fall, we wanted to feel the power of the cuddle, and sure why not subtract the clothes while we are at it too right? Can't hurt, right? WRONG. Do not respond to these invitations if you are looking for something meaningful. Be upfront about what it is that you want and do not settle for anything less. For the first time I have stopped indecent invitations from someone who I definitely would become very interested in, from going any further than the screen of my Blackberry. I was honest and completely upfront about what it is that I want. The bar has been set for me and I will not settle. Follow my lead and feel liberated and powerful.

Observe others and watch their failures come to pass, and learn what mistakes not to make yourself, before you ever make them.

My Song of Choice- All I do is Win- DJ Khaled

You have to lose before you can truly win

2010-09-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what a loss can make you realize. Sometimes when we lose things in life, we learn to appreciate the simple stuff. I've taken my time off to engage myself in simple activities that were always there, but I never cared to put the effort into doing, or had the time to do. I've been hiking, catching up with girlfriends, returned to my regular gym routine, and finally am teaching myself how to cook, and I mean really cook. Summer is officially over. The season of hibernation has begun, and slowly we store up for winter.

The loss of my job out of nowhere was a complete shock to my system, and after working 2 jobs the past few months, it was hard to adjust to my new found free time. I genuinely like to be busy. In life, I believe that before you can ever achieve victory, you must lose, and learn to handle loss first. Once you have lost in any aspect of life, and you survive the trauma that comes with it; that's when you are ready to win. For myself, I have struggled for two years moving in and out of small companies with little to no success. The unfortunate downfall of joining a small company during a recession, is that you are disposable, and therefore even if you work yourself so hard that you are blue in the face, rarely will you be rewarded by way of extra compensation. Instead, companies test you and how much life they can suck out of you until you no longer can tolerate being treated like a slave. If you ask for a pay increase, they will waffle the idea until they eventually decide that some desperate job seeker out there will do the job they need done, possibly for even less money, and therefore you are disposed. Fortunately, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and after a 5 week intense interview process including tests, panel interviews, and so many background checks it would make your head spin, I landed myself not only a career, but the highest paying job I have ever had to date. I win.

Maybe the more we lose, the more we gain in a sense. The better we become at handling rejection, and learning from the mistakes we have made that led up to the loss, the better the feeling of the victory when we eventually win. Perhaps not everyone that has been a loser will become a winner, but I believe that every true winner has lost before they got back up, tried again, and became victorious.

Raindrops and teardrops

2010-09-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

Rain on a Sunday is like mother natures way of cleansing all the tears people wept into her soil during the past week. I gave her my fair share on Friday when I was let go from a company I have worked my ass off for on Friday. I guess that's what happens when you let a former nerd on a power trip run you into the ground, making you do the work of three occupations, for not much more than minimum wage. While I am more than relieved that I no longer have to work for such an inconsiderate, balding man with the same annoyance as Allen Harper from the much loved Two and a Half Men - no joke, I actually believe this guy TRIES to be that annoying- it is still frustrating and not to mention terrifying, not knowing what lies ahead in your future. Tomorrows forecast is sunshine, so seemingly things should get better right? Bring it on.

Sometimes you have to stop frowning and just start laughing when things seem to constantly roll backwards in your life. There are people with luck, there are people with bad luck, and then there are people who keep fighting, and keep positive through every shit storm that gets dumped on them. Slowly, I am trying to get there, though it's easier said than done. I took my time to lick my wounds, and now I can only look ahead. What is the point of looking back for anything other than reliving happy memories in your mind. Why look back at the negative things you have experienced? If it hurt you, don't look back at it, and definitely don't relive it. Remind yourself that the pain made you stronger, and the more pain you conquer, the stronger you will become. Your strength will amaze you if you challenge it.

So as we lay to rest another week gone by, take this rainy Sunday to remind yourself of the things you want and the things you are striving for. What is on your agenda? For once, mine is nearly blank. Hmm.. what should I do this week aside from the job search? I guess the VPL will be seeing me, and my delinquent Library books this week. I have a feeling. I think it's finally my turn.

September Rain

2010-09-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Every year, when the weather changes, and we say goodbye to summer, a sullen vibe suddenly trickles back into our lives. We no longer wake up to the golden rays of light peeking through our blinds or curtains, or hear the sound of the morning birds chiming. Suddenly its a bit darker out when we rise, the sky is grey, the raindrops start to fall again, and the crows linger eerily on the shedding tree branches. Autumn is closing in, and the anxiety begins. While the fall for some people, brings out the early signs of the "Winter Blues" for others, it means a season for change. We hang up our beach towels, and replace them with sweaters, and we embrace the fact that once again, our windshields are fogged before our morning commute.

There are a lot of things to look forward to when we enter this colorful season. First and foremost, is to take in the air outside. Yes, this might sound crazy and perhaps a bit too sentimental, but trust me when I tell you, when you go outside at just the right moment, you will know what I am talking about. The air is crisp, with lingerings hints of summer wafting through. The smell is like fresh cut grass, mixed with the after smell of freshly fallen rain. This season is a perfect opportunity for reflection, and reinforcement; or perhaps even a re-creation of your goals. We allow ourselves to calm down again. Movie nights, blankets, and a hot cup of tea become our favorite things on the menu.

Sometimes our summer lives are so fast paced that we start to feel an overwhelming amount of anxiety at the thought of settling ourselves down again after the adrenaline rush that is summer. I have been working all summer long, and while I have had the chance to enjoy my fair share of amazing memories and nights I might never remember, with the friends I will never forget, it wasn't nearly as fast paced -and might I add; unproductive- as my last summer. This year might be the first year that I feel less panicked, and less anxiety about the months to come. I guess I am growing up. I feel like it happened so fast.

What's so bad about a few leaves changing color, and falling off a tree anyways? What is so bad about beginning another school year, eliminating yet another year, and working towards the final stage; the goal? Why is this such a stressful time for many of us? We really need to just allow this time as a time for relaxation. Fall is not a fast paced season. I consider it to be a season that prepares the welcome of another season; winter. Calm down, and step outside to smell the fresh air.

It's coming and I am loving every minute of it.

Here's a few songs with lyric snippets to help motivate you for the Fall season

Eminem: Not Afraid

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

B.O.B ft Hayley Williams: Airplanes

But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for if you had one chance?
So airplane, airplane, sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now

*And if all else fails, remember Halloween is not far away, so turn this one on full blast and start practicing your howling.

Michael Jackson: Thriller

All my scars are open..

2010-08-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

It is my opinion that people have developed a very distorted version of what love should be, based on their own selfish desires at the present time. As a writer, I am entitled to my own opinion, and I will voice it how I see fit. If you do not like the harsh reality of my opinions, discontinue reading this now.

To me, love is sacred. When you have finally found that special someone who accepts you fully for who you are, in all your weakest moments, and brings out your fullest and most vibrant potential, you cherish it. We need to make sure we tell the people who we love that we love them when we can, before we are telling them how much we miss them instead. I have never regretted telling someone that I love them, even when it went verbally un-returned. Sometimes you just know when someone loves you; they don't have to say it for you to know.

It completely astonishes me, when people take advantage of those who love them, simply because they know the love is so strong for them, that they are willing to test the boundaries without hesitation, and without admitting what it can do to the other person emotionally. This message is for every man who has laid a hand on his woman; for every person who has been unfaithful, and for every person who has told a lie to their lover that strips them of the truth of your character- Why? What is it about you that makes you think you are entitled to abuse the rarity of the love you have? People are starving for it, and there you are making a mockery of it- for your own benefit. Shame on you.

Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I am just traditional in my cause. I have made mistakes I am not proud of, but I have learned from them. With a deeper understanding and clarity where love is concerned, I have developed beliefs that stand strong within my morals. Verbal and physical abuse is wrong. Cheating is wrong. Lying is wrong. Leading someone on, when you no longer love them the way you did, and know you never will again- is wrong. Bottom line. Anyone who disagrees, might not have read the definition of true love, or maybe has yet to experience it. Love means loyalty. Love thy family. Would you ever disrespect your family?

As we march forward, single or attached, one can only hope for the kind of love that stops them. Ridiculously consuming, inconvenient, can't live without each-other, kind of love (quoted from SATC) As I said to one of my girlfriends the other day, "I would live in a cardboard box if it was with the right man." Nothing else matters when you've found it. So if you find yourself risking it, for a better opportunity, or just to feel more powerful and superior, chances are- something else matters.

My Daily Drug-
Impossible- Shontelle

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible

New Life

2010-08-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

There are sometimes, when a visit to the hospital is not always a bad thing. It hasn't been a common occurrence for me to walk into the doorways of one in recent years with a feeling of excitement, but I was gladly reminded the joy you can feel within those walls when one of my best girlfriends, Jen, gave birth to her baby girl this past Monday.

The past week has been challenging and hectic. A full work week complete with two jobs, and two volunteer shifts with Canuck Place, one for a Gala, and the other in house on an otherwise calm Sunday afternoon, was nicely topped off with the welcoming of our new team member. I am still not sure how my friend managed to carry, and give birth to an 8.5 lb baby with her small 5'1 and 110 lb frame (pre-baby) but she made it happen- and she impressed us all.

On my way home from the hospital, I drove by a familiar place. It was the Chapel that we had the memorial service for my grandfather after his passing in 2007. I realized his birthday had recently passed and decided to pay a visit to the grave site around the corner from the Chapel. He must have heard me, because shortly after I prayed to the man who helped to get me here, an opportunity fell into my lap, and is on the horizon. Not wanting to jinx my chances of landing this, I will remain in secrets until the details are confirmed. Things are good, despite the overwhelming amount of stress that pours in everyday, I am surviving.

I can faintly see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to stop for water.

Impersonation is the sincerest form of flattery? I say, it's just CREEPY!

2010-08-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

I know that I have mentioned before about an incident that had happened to me months ago, being slandered on a website that has to date, become one of the most popular reality blogs dissecting peoples insides and outsides, at the expense of entertainment. It was an extremely hard thing for me to go through, especially when the comments started to detail memories I wished not to relive, like a suicide attempt I made when I was 16 that nearly killed me. The ugly truth is people are not basically good. People, even those you would think had grown up, still have within them, what I like to call, the "mean genes."

As a temporary fix to my problem, I deactivated my Facebook account, since the pictures used to humiliate me were apparently taken from my profile. Three months later, and after cleaning out 500 "friends" from my friends list, I rejoined the world of Facebook and began writing my blog. Within three days I had a friend request from "Andrea Wesley" and a picture of myself, smiled at me from the users profile information. I had been cloned. I blocked the user, and the next day, they made another clone account, which I promptly blocked also. I'm not sure what a human could possibly do to another human that prompts them to not only save my pictures and post them on a public website, but also to create not one, but TWO email addresses to register to a fake Facebook account, go through the trouble of saving my pictures, and even detailing information like where I went to College, my hobbies and interests, etc. It's beyond creepy to me that people still do this shit.

You might think that this stuff happens to people who deserve it, but I have recently come to discover, that even the sweetest and sincerest of people, can have enemies. Even when you have left the country on a pursuit of happiness elsewhere for yourself, people can still hang on to bitter emotions, and attempt to hurt you from afar. Why is it that some people just lack common sense? What happened to the days of confronting a bitter emotion head on, directly with the person, instead of creating a public slander? I understand that the media has made us think it's OK to behave this way, with the way celebrities are often portrayed to us, but when you take a regular person, who has a normal life, and is not in the public eye, why do we feel it necessary to publicly humiliate them when they have done us wrong? People have lost their innocence. We used to look forward to growing older, to grow out of the drama, and move past the immaturity but unfortunately it seems that these people will always be there, and they take manipulation and drama to new levels, having obtained more knowledge of how to hurt someone.

The important thing to realize, is that the more reaction we feed to these people, the more satisfaction they get out of their sick and twisted games. We all learned this early on, as children, when the first bully picked on us in school. Do not react. Distract. Ignore it and keep yourself occupied. Office gossip spilling the beans on how you completely butchered that presentation? Mother-in-law on your fiance's case about how much better she can do? Who cares. The best thing to do, is act a fool, and keep on shining! Like I said, to make it to the top, you have to make some enemies along the way.

Pretty Wings

2010-08-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

I think my body knows when my heart is about to take a beating. This morning I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. I was so exhausted despite having gotten a full 6 hours of sleep last night. Trust me, that's a lot for me these days. I tried to cheer myself up at around 1pm with a Starbucks Iced Latte, but apparently after my last latte, Starbucks has lost its appeal to me, and now I associate it with sadness. My leg shook uncontrollably the entire drive home from work. Of course to add insult to injury, it was the leg I use to accelerate and to add the cherry to my parfait of a day, traffic was insanely heavy due to construction which is conveniently done right during the peak rush hours. I knew something was wrong. I knew my anxiety was about to spin out of control.

I have never fought off an attack as hard as I had to today. The most concerning part was nothing had really happened that upset me, but I could sense that something was about to happen, and that is what got me going. I'm not sure how its possible to have an intuition and unworldly connection to a person, but I have it. I'm just not sure he has it with me, and maybe that's the twisted fate of my life.

I have recently decided to give online dating, a concept that has been for the most part foreign to me, a chance. So far my experience has been just home based, and no personal meetings have been arranged or made. To attempt to cheer myself up today, I went online to fish for an interesting person who can hold an intelligent conversation and is a breath of fresh air from the dribbling roid monkeys that generally catch my scent and linger. To my surprise and confusion, he was on there. Exactly what is it about men that causes them to lie? It was such conflicting information I was staring at blankly on my computer screen. "Looking for Ms. Right" but not looking for anything serious in the body of the profile. A picture taken while we were still engaging in whatever it was that we were engaging in smirked at me with the same face Ashton Kutcher presents you with when you have just been Punk'd. Apparently the sentiment was all in my head.

After everything I have had to deal with the past year with everyone from boyfriends who mistreated me and watched me stumble, from employers who took advantage of me, it's time for me to move on in a big big way. My friends have all moved on, why shouldn't I? Just because I don't have a boyfriend, or a child, or a promotion that pays me more money, I can't move forward? Is it because I am not a "Ms. Right" to anyone? Screw that. Everyone else has moved on, it's my turn now. Nothing left to lose, nothing to leave behind.

It's time to travel.

Time to fly my pretty wings.

Spilled Milk

2010-08-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I remember I couldn't go to sleep without my Dad reading me a bedtime story. There was a collection of books I had as a little girl I wish I still had today, that were filled with childhood literature favorites; Collier's Junior Classics. Each book was bound with a different brightly colored hardcover shell, and had an image embossed in gold foil on its spine. Stories like Sherlock Holmes, Snow White, and Cinderella sparked my young mind with imagination that I couldn't get enough of and turned my slumber into adventures I didn't know I could dream of. My imagination was wild and hopeful from day one. I used to have recurring dreams as a child, and present day adult, I still have the most far out dreams, that can probably only normally stem from an acid trip. Sometimes I think our dreams are wishes that our heart makes, or maybe it's just my love for Cinderella that makes me believe that.

When I got older, I began reading the stories to myself, having graduated past the days of needing Daddy to read me to sleep. My favorite volume was "Once Upon a Time." No surprise there. It suddenly dawned on me as I stumbled upon this memory, that my reading priorities have been lacking a lot lately, and so I have been tucking my mind and imagination back into some good old fashioned comfort food, only my feedings are in paperback, and hardcover form, and leave me with an appetite for more no matter how much I digest. Yesterday I read half of a 400 page book in practically one sitting. Before you can master your craft, you need to study it.

When you begin to start finding the pieces to you, after you have pushed away all the drama you have had, when you have released all of your demons, and forgiven yourself for your mistakes along the way, you will probably start looking back on the life you have lived. No one seems to look back far enough to get to the roots of your demeanor. Your childhood is when you started to become who you are today. As a child, we begin to start making mistakes in our lives, and the lessons begin. It starts innocently enough with things like putting a grilled cheese sandwich in the VCR (yes, I did that) or spilling your milk, or maybe stealing your Moms favorite shade of crimson lipstick, and proceeding to write all over the bathroom mirror with it, like it's the equivalent of a Crayola crayon. When we get older, we start to make bigger mistakes, like staying out past curfew, riding in cars with boys, and drinking alcohol underage and "borrowing" the keys to the car. As adults, the mistakes grow into what we think are catastrophes and truth be told, some are just that. We make mistakes that can result in the loss of our career, our homes, and our lovers and families, and we also can make mistakes that hurt people deeply. Maybe our problems now are just as troublesome as spilled milk was to us back then. Perhaps one day we will all look back and laugh at how silly it was to be so stressed out about something that can always be cleaned up with a bit of elbow grease, and the right amount of absorbency to the root of the problem. Just maybe.

A special person once told me something that has stuck to me like a good crimson lipstick. I remember the words he said to me when he told me about his family, and the hardships they survived. He told me that it didn't matter how much money they had and that at the end of the day, as long as you have family and your health, everything will be OK. Survival is meant for the fittest, and fit is necessary of both body and mind.

My current power song: Aretha Franklin- I Will Survive

BFF's, you are missed!

2010-08-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

Being strong isn't always so easy. As humans, we need comfort that can only be provided by another human. You can walk alone for as long as you like, but somewhere along the journey, you will crave companionship. I miss my friends more than ever right now, I guess I am feeling a bit blue about the fact that I have literally buried my life into work and my writing, that I have been missing out on a pretty significant part of my life, my best friends.

As the pieces to your life begin to come together, it's normal that some things might temporarily fall apart, or perhaps just be absent for a while, like a missing puzzle piece that you find later, and complete the project. The project is life and every morsel of your life; your career, your family, your friends, your lover, your car, your home, your activities, are pieces to the puzzle. Sometimes it might be neccessary to put certain pieces to the side in order to see a clearer view of the image you are creating. Once you have put the hardest part together, you can fill in the missing pieces that you put aside. Life is just one big puzzle, with a beautiful image waiting to be created.

Chapter 2

2010-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

They say that when you meet that one person chosen for you, you just know. There is a moment you share, that is different from any first encounter you have ever experienced before. The moment you lock eyes, there's a certain grin that appears on your faces that radiates. It's a sexual pull, and its a chemical connection, and a sinking feeling in your gut that tells you; this is it.

All my life I have been told that when I meet that right person, I will just know. Now that I have experienced this moment, I am confused, and beginning to wonder if it was all just a dream, or maybe it was all in my head? Lately, men are quite literally being thrown at me, and I am faithfully declining people based on the first time encounter lacking that same spark. I am lonely because I am choosing to be lonely, and subsequently have become far too picky for my own good. If I don't do something soon, I might turn into a crazy woman with thousands of pairs of shoes, but no man in sight.

Although I am still primarily focusing on myself, and am not looking to bite off more than I can chew, I see no harm in dating, or at least trying to meet new people to see if I can get past this feeling I feel. Do you think its possible to have such a connection to a person, that you can quite literally feel when they are here, and when they are gone? When at the exact moment in time, you are both thinking of each other, do you think it is merely coincidence, or is it a sign? I might never get the answers to my questions, but I can try a new approach. Chapter 2- Testing the waters. You will never know if you don't try.

I met someone new, and so far he does not appear to be any kind of psycho, with any odd behavioural patterns. For now, we just talk. They say when one door closes, another one opens. Well when one man moves to the other side of the world, another is moving back home after an 18 month out of town project. I am not sure what I am doing to be perfectly honest but there are times and situations where you just need to go with the flow, and not have any expectations, or any remorse for your actions. This is my first test to see if I can practice what I have been preaching to myself for months. Can I ever feel that way again? I'm not so sure.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets drunk!

2010-08-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

This past week has been nothing less than challenging. After the last few months of working constantly, practically neglecting my friends and being for the most part, a hobbit, I finally got hit with the withdrawal of loneliness. For the past 8 months I have been busting my ass for a company that quite frankly, really doesn't give a shit about me, or my team, or about ruining someones life and financial situation. For this reason, and for coming to realize that the people I am supposed to aspire to be are more concerned with filling their pockets than to reward the hard work of others, I have decided to make a permanent change. As I have stated before, you need to look out for number one; yourself!

When your mental health is being negatively impacted by your workplace, or relationship, it's absolutely necessary to improve yourself first above anything else. I have done all I can do, and when prying myself out of bed in the morning in tears because I dread to face the underpaid, overworked, position I'm in starts to break me down, I am going to stand up for myself.. Unfortunately, when you make a stand for yourself, and are quite simply blown off, without any compassion or care at all to the emotional state you are in, get out! There is no such thing as employer loyalty. You pay for quality and when you are eating Filet Mignon, and paying the price of a happy meal for it, don't be at all surprised when your fine piece of meat jumps off your silver platter and onto the platter of someone more appreciative. No more bullshit.

Sometimes on your conquest to achieving your goals, you need to do something that completely scares you. I am absolutely terrified at this point, but I know that my choices are going to change me for the better and I will thank myself later. When making a scary change, you need to first know that the choices you make are intentional, and you need to be completely sure of yourself when you decide to change direction. This is the way to where I want to go. This is the right path. Do not second guess yourself. Just do it. You get a new hand after you fold.

Last night after my week of emotional exhaustion, I had a very good conversation with my parents over some beverages. I have been working so much that I forgot how nice it is to spend time with them, and catch up on what is going on in our lives. Our family has faced a lot of challenges over the past couple years, both individually, and as a team, but we always have each other at the end of the day. Last week when I was telling my Dad about how much I had going on, between working 2 jobs, pursuing my writing career, and volunteering at the childrens hospice, he told me it brought tears to his eyes to see his daughter doing so well, and being more focused than he has ever seen me. It came as no surprise last night when I was in tears about my job, and he said "I've got just the thing to make you feel better" and promptly made me a Cosmopolitan. No matter how hard shit gets in life, you always have family. As long as we have our health and each other (and martinis) I know everything is going to be okay.

They made me realize that I am on the right path. I have never seen my parents so proud of me, and it's a good feeling to know that at least someone can see my efforts, and know that they will be rewarded soon. Unfortunately, my efforts and direction is causing depression and anxiety for me, probably due to the fact that I miss the time I used to spend with my friends, and I am pretty upset that it took me so long to realize that my employer is literally sucking the life out of me. No matter what happens the next few weeks, I will not break my focus. You can not keep damaging yourself, just to make someone else happy. It's not healthy. If you are doing this to yourself, please stop immediately. It's time for YOU!

The friend of my enemy is my friend

2010-08-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have always heard that in order to get to the top, you have to make some enemies along the way. I never realized how unfortunately true this statement is until now. Perhaps having people develop a hatred or jealousy for you, is a sure sign that you are on your way to achievement; depending of course, upon what it is that makes them angry or upset with you.

Some people do not like to see you surpass them when they have built up a perception of who they think you are. If someone forms an opinion to themselves or to others about you that makes them feel more superior to you, like "that girl wishes she could be me," and then that same "wishful" girl silently passes you in the game of life, why is it that that person suddenly becomes your enemy? Jealousy may be the most sincerest form of flattery, but to me it is childish. In my mid-twenties I thought the days of high-school were over and this past year I have learned better than most how immature people still are, even almost a decade after the fact.

If this past year has taught me anything, it's that humans like to play the blame game and do not like to take responsibility for their own actions, or lack of actions. For example, the guy who almost always has a "crazy ex-girlfriend." Every single girl he had dated suddenly turned into a full blown psychopath- according to him, anyways. Then you hear from a sane person who knows the girl and says "wow that's amazing, she is the nicest most sane person I know!" and before long, you hear that same feedback about every girl he has dated and claimed to be completely off her rocker. The truth? The truth is that guy is 90%, if not 100% the problem, he is the one with the issues but in order to uphold his so-called "reputation," he stomps on someone else. Truth be told, if a guy still feels the need to bash on some girl long in his past, he has a lot, and I mean A LOT of growing up to do. So to the men and women with the need to relive their dramatically blown out of proportion past, I urge you, before you drunkenly tell someones boss at a wedding how "crazy" you think a person is, think about the consequences first. With a nickname like "Honkapino" though, I guess I shouldn't really be at all surprised. Sometimes you just need to get over it, and move forward and stop reliving moments that don't progress your life in any way.

There comes a point in time where you need to stand up and start defending yourself in a manner that excels you at the same time. Stop letting your past and former loved ones take advantage of your kindness to help them protect their reputation. Stop allowing your kindness slow you down. There are two kinds of people in this world; the people who will fuck you over, and the people who truly love and care about you, and don't be at all surprised at the limited pool you have of the aforementioned. The best way to be successful, is to stop caring about what other people are going to think about your footsteps ahead. Stop caring about what has already happened, and can not be changed. People are who they are the only person you need to look out for is number one; yourself! If someone gets ahead of you by their hard work, and efforts, it is because they worked harder, and deserved it more than you did. If you want to be a contender in this game, you have to start playing by the rules.

Swing Batta Batta

2010-08-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

As I feel myself start to change, I am reminded that in order to make the successful turn, you have to do something that completely scares you. If in the game of baseball, you are terrified of being hit by the ball, and you take half-assed swings, only hoping to make slight contact so you can run for dear life to first base, knowing fully that the pitcher or back catcher is chasing to get you out right behind you, you will never make it back to the home plate one goal richer. In order to hit a home run, you have to step up to the plate.

After a fully loaded work week, a quick one nighter up to Schuswap for Mel's birthday, I returned to the office to one of the busiest weeks yet, and the responsibility of filling in for my boss while she is on vacation. When life is literally dumped on you, and that fast ball comes racing at you at a frightening speed, you need to swing that bat as hard as you can to make proper contact, and hit that ball out of the park. The only way to recover from a moment of weakness, is to put everything you can into the next attempt- whatever you are attempting may be.

I know where I am going and the journey for me is only beginning. Although only a few short weeks ago I was nervous about tackling the Coquihala Highway solo, it has now become one of the most serene and relaxing experiences of my summer. Four hours alone with nothing but beautiful scenery to look at in all directions (minus the forest fires) and an ipod full of music, it's the perfect time to spend in deep thought. The road might be lonely, but I know I am heading in the right direction and before long, I will be back at home.

Success comes after hard work

2010-07-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

If everything in life were easy, the payoff and the feeling of success would probably mean a lot less than it does after the struggle. If you were born into a wealthy family, did not have to work a day in your life, perhaps landed a wealthy boyfriend or girlfriend who allows you to have a 5 Star lifestyle without having to lift a finger, do you feel the same success as those who have fought the fight, beaten the odds, and pushed passed all the barriers that got in the way to mould their life the way they wanted? Money may be power, but I believe that knowledge and strength is more powerful than any bank account balance.

As much as you might envy the people who quite literally sit on their asses while life is handed to them, you might want to remind yourself that without the crutch they have that is aiding their survival, they would be at the very bottom of the pack, and it's quite sad when a person is nothing without their leaning post.

One thing I have come to learn is that more and more, we are living in a world that is becoming every man for himself. Love isn't even the same as it used to be. There was once a time where when you met someone who took your breath away, you did whatever it took to keep them in your life, even if you were separated by great distance and no promise of surviving by duties like war. There is a shift in human nature all over the place, and generation by generation, humans are becoming more greedy and itch more to satisfy themselves first above anything else. Embracing change can be difficult for anyone, and most often it is. True success always comes after hard work, and not the other way around. You might get a loan from the bank that buys you the new car that you have been drooling over for eternity, but in actual fact, you have not yet earned it. Instant gratification isn't always so satisfying.

Instead of worrying about what others are doing, and envying the life you wish you had, you need to make one of your own, and you have to start somewhere, even if that means starting at the bottom. The first step to starting a new chapter for yourself is to firstly, be happy for others, even if you wish you were in their place. Jealousy gets you nowhere except into a deeper emotional slum. Be happy for others, and wish them well on their journeys and over their hurdles. Once you can truly admit to yourself that you are at peace with it, you will start to notice your own excitement on creating the life that you want for you. You need to be selfish and you need to be greedy to make it in these times, and as long as your strategies do not hurt anyone in the process, there is nothing wrong with this. Sometimes you just have to let it go, leave the past behind you, and keep looking forward into the direction you want and need to go. Don't get stuck. Go for it.

Quarter-Life Crisis

2010-07-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a feeling of discontent? A nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you project your head underneath your pillow, clenching onto it for dear life. The morning brings you anxiety, and something is constantly gnawing away at your brain. I wake up with this feeling often, and quite frequently in the past few months. I got an email from a co-worker today that hit the nail on the head and I had to share it with you:

The Quarter-Life Crisis
Author: Unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Think of me, everytime you look up in the sky and see a star

2010-07-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a newly single girl, and a newly single boy, who came together and met during a time of distress in each of their lives. Over the course of a few months, they developed intense feelings for eachother too quickly, not knowing of the fate that was going to be placed before them. Before long, the two needed to grow apart because circumstances in their everyday lives changed. Dreams and opportunities were presented, and the need for self recovery became more necessary, and soon they were on their own paths, although the journey apart was not simple for either of them, and one more so than the other, it was a change that was necessary and hopeful for the both of them.

If this sounds familiar to you, it might be because you also, have had to let someone go who truly meant a lot to you. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life that we need to learn to accept. Sometimes the emotions you are left with can plague you, if you let them. Saying goodbye isn't something that has to be considered forever. When you burry a loved one, the word goodbye is more permanent, at least until you cross over to the other side of the rainbow. In these times, when a person is living, goodbye doesn't have to be so sad, but instead, goodbye should be more like "See you later," no matter when "later" is.

Part of my journey of my "Project Life" is starting off with the basics. It starts with becoming comfortable with being alone and working on making myself the best person I can be, both inside and out. This is where anyone needs to start when it comes to starting over and beginning a fresh chapter in your life. It's true; you can't have any ties, you can't be leaving anything behind you which will bring you regret. You have to let it all go and go for it, full force. You have to have your game face on.

When you first embark on your journey to change, it's important to understand that you will have set backs. Situations will occur that are out of your control and you might react in a way you didn't intend to, but you did because at the end of the day, you are still human, and you do still have human emotions. Don't let this become your escape route that disables you from achieving your goal. Deal with the situation, be at peace with it, and keep moving forward. The road to success was not paved with perfection.

Changes

2010-07-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much one year can completely change your life, and your direction. One year ago, I was a different girl. Over the course of a single year, I have learned more about myself than I have learned in a lifetime. I have learned that I am someone who doesn't like to be alone, and has never truly been alone; hence the reason to conquer my biggest fear- loneliness. I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve and is naive to men and often will believe the promises they have made. I am a person who holds my relationships, whether they are friendships or partnerships, closer than they seem to be. I am a person who has neglected myself.

Tomorrow marks a day that started my path to change. The Heineken White Party which I attended, and will be attending again, with one of my best friends, Lynn. The day is very special to me in so many ways. Apart from it being my new favorite summer tradition, it is also a much deserved day for me to let loose and unwind from the intense routine of working 60 hour work weeks, and forcing myself to do 1-2 hours of cardio a day. If I can't be perfect to someone else, I may as well make myself the perfect me for me. It seems that everyone around me has been doing things to better themselves and their relationships and I am so proud of my friends for the milestones they have made for themselves this past year. It is a different time for all of us. A time to grow up, and apart in some ways, and focus on ourselves and the future we want. Change is often necessary to move forward.

Tomorrow is a day that will always put a smile on my face. Time to get some sleep and prepare myself for the day that reminds me, everything it going to be OK.

Shut the door and lock it...

2010-07-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I has a conversation with a few of my closest friends about leaving the "door" open with a person by lack of actions or honesty. Have you ever had a person not tell you what you needed to hear to move on? The feeling itself, is a feeling of a sort of helplessness that can't be ignored or forgotten. Sometimes people can leave you hanging so badly, it surrounds your every thought and activity, and seemingly takes over your life. It could be the simplest of things, like waiting to hear that call back after a job interview. You question, did I, or didn't I get the job? Even if it's going to be a call of rejection, you would like to know either way, so that you can move on to the next potential company or opportunity. It's even worse when a person you have grown to love, leaves you in a stage of limbo, and even worse; when you can't do anything or even ask the questions you need to, to get the answers you feel you deserve.

Oddly enough the following day, my horoscope- always fairly vague and general- said "If you are never alone, you will never get to know your true self. Close the door and lock it. Focus on you." Reading the words initially, I didn't flinch, but a second time over, I knew I was supposed to read it. One person in particular, said those same words to me not long ago. He was right. Perhaps not every Aries that day, could relate to those words, but for me and because of my conversations on the previous day about the door being left wide open, I knew it was something I needed to be slapped with.

With a heavy workload, no free nights on the weekends, and being quite literally the only one not coupled up, being left in limbo can be more difficult than to those who still have the opportunity to go enjoy their single lives with their single friends. For the first time ever I am truly and completely alone relationship wise. The great part is, although scary, I have complete freedom.

Some people (former self included) tend to wallow in their solo lives. It makes you feel inadequate when there is not a single candidate in the running. There are things about a relationship that are great. Good morning text messages, falling asleep in someones nook, and having someone to enjoy those romantic activities and venues you can only enjoy when you are in a relationship. On the flip side, being single has a lot of advantages as well. When I say single, I mean truly and completely single. No dating. No sleeping around. Just completely you. It's something I have never experienced before. As I get ready each morning, I swipe the mascara wand through my lashes, tousle my hair, and put on my sexiest shoes, I am getting ready to look good for myself. I have no one to answer to, and no one to tell me if my ensemble looks good. It's a sort of scary feeling when you decide to stop making each and every choice based on what someone else is going to think, but rather, completing your thoughts and actions solely on what you, and only you, wants to do. As scary as the idea might be to some, it's quite liberating to put the thought into action. Maybe when we are completely okay with being completely alone, is when the love of your life will come to you, or perhaps back to you.

Track I'm loving this week: Drake- Find your love- lyric snippets

I'm more than just an option
Refuse to be forgotten
I took a chance with my heart
And I feel it taking over

I better find your love and
I better find your heart

I’m more than just a number
I doubt you’ll find another
So every single summer
I'll be the one that you remember

I better find your love and
I better find your heart

Project Life: The beginning comes after the end

2010-07-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

Superman had his legendary Fortress of Solitude in which acted as his home away from home, where he could go to train, experiment, relax, and display his trophies; or weapons created to destroy him that he defeated, and now displays proudly as conquests. Everyone needs to escape every once in a while to their own fortress, whether it be a physical location, mental location, or a combination of the two. For me, it has been three weeks of lower key activities, keeping the company of good friends, family, lightening the work load, and slowing down just enough to put me at balance.

The past few weeks has consisted of camping excursions with the friends who became family. A quick trip out to Stave Lake to kick off the Canada Day weekend for a girlfriends birthday, followed by regular visits with the girls, topped off nicely with a relaxing stay at another girlfriends house at Shuswap Lake, has blissfully kicked off my summer the way it should. It's always hard when you are completely alone and all of your once single-and-always-available on Friday's girlfriends, are suddenly all coupled up, co-habitating, engaged, having children, raising children, or just plain married. When everyone around you has the one thing you feel is the only thing you are missing, it's easy to see the greener pastures on the other side of the fence, which is why I needed a timeout.

A couple weeks ago, I picked up the new Recovery album by Eminem. While he is a highly controversial artist, who has expressed emotions and rage that many consider to be violent, disrespectful, and just plain awful, he is one of my favorites. His latest album is my favorite by far for one reason. The man has come along way and if you have ever taken the time to listen to his story, from the first album to the most recent, you would understand the title Recovery. His pain is expressed through his lyrics. Like anyone, he learned the hard way that there is a way to fight, and there is a way to fight back. I have complete admiration of anyone who isn't afraid to vocalize their trauma for everyone to relate to, and hopefully learn from it in the process. His entire album was about his recovery from his drug addiction, his marriage to Kim and the heartbreak he faced with the mother of his daughter Hailie, and the death of his best friend, DeShaun Holton, A.K.A "Proof." Despite having pain, and tabloids exploit his weakest moments, he keeps coming back with his lyrics more and more powerful, each and every time. When someone kicks you down, you must get up. Lifting yourself back up is the most crucial part of rising again. Sometimes, we all need to hide out for a while, away from controversy, rumors and scrutiny, to create the proper space and setting for recovery. Once we have created our perfect setting, and re-harmonized the instruments around us so that every piece is in tune, we can start to create new music.

It's time for a new chapter. Every once in a while, we need to turn the page and leave the words and moments that once had us on the edge of our seats behind for someone else to read and learn from, just as we did. Life doesn't happen overnight. It's a project, and an ending doesn't have to feel like an ending; it should feel like a new beginning.

Homestretch of Recovery

2010-07-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

Assuming anyone has noticed that I have been lacking in the publishing department lately, I feel compelled to tell anyone who reads this that I have been rehabilitating myself emotionally and going back to the basics mentally. Thing's are great and I am starting to feel like myself again after a shock-loss cycle that seemed to have spiraled from out of nowhere. I have one more stint to complete before I will be back to my normal blogging and writing routine. I am hitting the highway in approximately 15 minutes and heading to Shuswap Lake to work on a much needed bronze, and be free of my obligations for two whole days! It's always great to have a close girlfriend who not only has a house in a BC hot spot, but also a pool, hot tub and a guest bedroom with my name on it!

On the flip side, I am not looking forward to a sweltering 4 hour drive all by my lonesome.. but hey- at least I have my music.

Quick Update..

2010-07-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

No, I have not disappeared or retired from writing in case anyone has wondered why I have not posted on here or my Examiner page in some time. I am currently working 7 days a week and just finished up my spring/soccer season and have been completely swamped with my other activities. Although busy, I am having a lot of fun saving up for a trip to Cabo in October and moving out closer to work in a couple months. Yay me! I will try to post tomorrow night after work as I am working at the bar all weekend. Ciao xo

Closure on the need for closure

2010-06-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, you come across those who need a definite ending to something, before they can move on to the next chapter. As a writer, I am bound to the idea that there is some need for a proper conclusion to avoid questions restating themselves. Truth be told, I never liked anything that ended with "to be continued." It drives me nuts; literally. After pondering this particular behavioral preference I have, I was surprised to learn that the need for closure, psychologically, is not to ones benefit. Apparently a person in high need for closure, is a person who prefers order and predictability and is decisive and close minded. I am one who prefers order. I like a plan. I like definite answers. I highly dislike the stage of limbo. Maybe it's the Aries woman in me, but I am quite the odd bird, in the sense that I like things to be my way, and for things to happen in the way I have planned them in my mind. I have a hard time accepting alterations to the plan I have created. I am comforted to know that I am not the only person like this. There are others like me. Phew!

Closure, or the need for closure, is the conclusion of a traumatic event or life experience in a person's life. A person with a high need for closure may also experience such tendencies for example, of completing less research to seek answers to questions. This explains to me, a lot why my studying practices in high-school and college were the way they were. Amazingly, I seemed to earn high marks in my studies and completed my college diploma with an overall A average. People with low need for closure have been statistically proven to be more productive, and outcomes of projects were said to be more creative. I personally, don't think my creative cells are lacking.

What this did make me realize is that I am in constant search for an ending that I don't need. In fact, the proper ending I desire is only disabling my ability to be more productive. There's never a clean break, this is what I have come to learn in life. Nothing ever comes easy, and nothing ever happens the way you want or expected it to, and theres never an easy button when it comes to what you truly desire out of life.

The truth is, I have every reason to smile. I have a great job, three of them to be exact, a growing career and just landed myself the opportunity to be a regular columnist for a new magazine launching in Vancouver. I have great friends, and a lot to look forward to. I don't need to impress anyone. This is me. I am now closing the chapter of my life where closure was important to me. I no longer care to suck this out of someone, or something I am pursuing. The book I am working on, has finally gotten it's title. It's going to be called "Project Life; la vita et Bella."

Once again, Taylor Swift on repeat. Not sure how I could have made it through the year without her. Less than 6 months remaining until a new year approaches. Head shots and website design meeting with my fabulous website designer Mark O'Keefe tomorrow!

Breathe- Taylor Swift

I see your face in my mind as I drive away

'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry

Have a Heart

2010-06-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes sharing deep, and personal life experiences is horrifying to imagine, especially to a public audience. Oddly enough, sometimes getting things off of your chest, and out in the open is what the mind truly needs to work towards clearing the conscience of the bad and sometimes suppressed memories we have; at least until the build up begins again.

For me, the one great hardship I have grown accustomed to dealing with the past 4 years, is loss. During these years, I have lost grandparents, an aunt, a cousin, an ex boyfriend, an increasing number of high school friends, long time family friends who were like family to me, and my own offspring. These are merely the losses that were caused by death. Each time it was a different feeling of grief; some of them were taken too early by gods will, some died of natural causes, some accidentally, or as a result of drunk driving, and others were brutally murdered, which left a feeling of grief, anger and questions inside me that I still ponder over today. This, on top of the job losses, the loss of friendships, and the loss of lovers by the unfortunate process of elimination, and maybe even the love of my life, can and will take a toll on anyone. Some of you reading this, may find your stomach in knots because you are also, becoming less and less pain tolerant to loss having had encountered and faced far too many of them to date. How do you continue to handle something that is slowly destroying you inside and out?

Today this subject got me thinking a lot about the human heart, and our brains link to it causing emotions and the physical reactions our bodies make based solely on our feelings. My friend Scott said to me the other day, after a routine and deep discussion something to the effect of, "Andrea you are one of the strongest people I know and you have been through more than anyone I know in the past 2 years of your life. It outrages me to hear what people do to you when you are such an amazing girl who has such a good head on her shoulders... You are a lot like the kind of girl I want to end up with." Tears instantly welled in my eyes. I don't like to pity myself, nor do I think that my life is any harder than those of others; it's not. We all have shit we deal with and it's hard for everyone. Sometimes though, a build up of constant struggles, especially where loss is concerned, can take a huge toll on the human heart.

Amazingly enough, although my heart has been beaten up over the past couple years, I still have the ability to love completely. My heart has suffered and yet still has so much to give, if not more. Perhaps my many encounters with loss, has taught me that love, whether its the kind of love you feel for your family, a friend, or a lover, is sacred, and when you have someone of importance in your life, you should take advantage of being able to give that love for as long as you can. Orlando Battista, a Canadian-American chemist, author and a Catholic wrote, "The greatest weakness of humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive." The result of these unspoken words, can amount up to feelings of regret, and can have an effect on your heart and will drive your mind crazy for life long after the loss.

We all have the misconception that our emotions, our feelings, and our love, come directly from the most important organ in our bodies; the heart. This is not the actual case. The main purpose of the heart is to circulate blood to different parts of the body. Our emotions and feelings come from a part of our brains called the hypothalamus. This is where we get our feelings such as hunger, contentment, libido and attraction. Our hearts can respond to these emotions and will often be physical, such as skipped beats of the heart from excitement and lust, or fluttered beats caused by a loving feeling you get when you are with a certain person, but the actual emotion originates from the brain itself. If a persons brain is affected by some sort of trauma, it is highly likely that their emotions and feelings will be affected, as well as their heart. (I will discuss this topic further in my next entry)

Although our emotions originate in our brains, the human heart can be majorly impacted by our feelings. Have you ever heard a story about an elderly couple living in a nursing home, one passes away, and a short time afterwards the other one passes too, even though they showed no signs of deterioration beforehand? You might have heard this type of story before and almost always it's told with the concluding words that "they died of a broken heart." Even though the emotions of sadness and "heart-break" originate in the hypothalamus, the heart can be affected in a major way and can cause physical reactions up to and including death. This is called Broken Heart Syndrome. It usually occurs when a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken the hearts tissue. It can be any sudden emotional stress such as a traumatic break up, death or loss of a loved one, or even the shock of a surprise party. It mimics the symptoms of a heart attack including chest pain, shortness of breath, and anxiety except the recovery rates are much faster than those of a heart attack. Like heart attacks, broken heart syndrome can also be fatal. You can quite literally die from a broken heart.

Love and Loss are two words that when put together, can be a proven lethal combination. During my research, I was quite shocked to learn that my personal turmoil, could quite possibly kill me. When you love someone, and you lose them, how many times can the heart handle this chemical breakdown caused by the feelings of sadness in your brain, before the heart eventually fails? What if you can prevent the loss from happening, or at least soften it and prepare yourself mentally for it? Does this condition the heart to prepare for this type of breakdown? Some losses can't be prevented, and the devastation and painful aftermath is unavoidable, but there are some losses that can be softened and ultimately, some you can prepare for.

For the sake of the human heart, clear your conscience and have a heart. Treat others the way you would want to be treated and love everyday like it's your last. You never know when your heart, or the lack of someone elses heart, will fail you.

A Promise is a Promise.. or is it?

2010-06-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

People are funny. No matter how much you think you know someone, no matter how much they lead you to believe they are of admirable character, they can and will disappoint you. The faith we sometimes put into people, the words they say, the promises they make, are invested the same way you place your chips on black or red on a roulette table; there is no guarantee, only a hope that you have made an accurate assumption.

Sometimes we are left in a position, where people won't own up and take responsibility for their actions. They don't live up to their promises and they live their lives in complete denial of situations that they have created for themselves, leaving someone else to clean up their mess. Promise. What is a promise? A promise is defined as a declaration of something that will or not be done. For example, "I promise to call", "I promise to always be there", or "I promise I will take out the trash today." When you make these statements, and don't follow through, you lose credibility in your character, and unfortunately, this is way to common these days. People in general, do not live up to their promises anymore.

An article that came of particular interest to me was taken from a church newsletter. The author Vicar Philip Casmer, of the Apostles Evangelical Lutheran Church and School wrote the following:

"Promises are made to be broken." You are probably familiar with that quote. That’s the way I learned it. The original author is Aesop, the sixth century fable-writer. When he spoke this quote the first time, however, it was a little different. He said, "Enemies’ promises are made to be broken." That’s a little less bleak than the quote we have now isn’t it? At least those breaking the promises are enemies – that’s what we expect from them. I find it a little ironic that usage has changed this quote. Maybe we’ve changed it because experience has taught us that promises are not often kept. Isn’t it true though, that when we break a promise, we’ve acted like the enemy? We haven’t done what we’ve said. Basically, we’ve lied. Maybe that’s why the quote changed – we don’t like to think about who we really are."

Breaking a promise, makes you a liar. People in this age, make promises they know they do not "need" or "have" to keep. When circumstances are unavoidable, sometimes it is necessary to break a promise however, to keep credibility to your character, one would hope that you would do something to make up for the promise that you broke. Unfortunately that's not the case.

Sometimes we need to accept the cold hard facts that people are liars who have no desire to correct their character portrayal. They have no remorse for the feelings that they have hurt or disappointed. They make promises they don't intend to keep. They tell you what you 'want' to hear.

I am one who will not break a promise easily. If I do happen to fall through on my words, I most certainly will put a full foot forward to try and rectify that, although it's not always possible. Sometimes a promise broken equals too little too late. It goes without saying that you should not make a promise, you don't intend to keep. I know that I won't, but can you say the same for yourself? How long after you have broken a promise, will you feel the remorse for your actions? Will it be too late?

Beaver Talk with Susan McCord

2010-06-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I received an email from a fellow Examiner on another site that I write for, http://www.examiner.com/, who wanted to have me as a guest on her online talk show, Beaver Talk. I met with Susan McCord last Sunday and we began to dissect some common relationship issues that occur at all ages. A bottle of Chardonnay later, we tuned in on 3 major issues that apparently, whether you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or even 50s, the rules to the game don't change much, instead they just become more complicated to play.

The first video, is about mixed signals; a topic I am all too familiar with. In my generation, these are the years we start complicating the program that once was so simple. As I mentioned in a previous entry, a relationship should be treated like a blank canvas. Over the years, we begin to start cluttering the same canvas and our build up fears, turn into a pattern of mixed signals we almost don't realize we are giving off. Confusion is a difficult emotion to cope with, and it seems that in the dating world, it is becoming a common occurrence, leaving one with questions and constant doubt. When did honesty become so difficult? Why do we feel we need to sugar coat everything at the expense of our own sanity, or to spare feelings?

Here is the first video of three. I look forward to working with Susan a lot more in the future. Check out her website at http://www.beavertalk.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9bW-Rg4dNw

Good Friends are Hard to Find

2010-06-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

As you might notice, I never mention names in my postings. Instead, I describe encounters from a much broader angle, leaving the person in question to identify themselves by reading their affects on my life. Today, I chose to change that. Before you begin to freak out, please note; I would never ever do anything to sabotage any ones character or reputation by making it public for everyone to read. Even amongst my weakest moments, and hurt feelings, I am not that low, or immature. Just as I would not show someone personal text messages, or emails between myself, and someone else, I could never turn this blog into a Nik Richie type reality blog, exposing every ones secrets and weaknesses. It's just not me.

Instead, I would like to introduce to you the most important characters in my life. Recently, I have come to realize that friendships, especially lasting ones, are ones to cherish and defend, just as you would vow to in marriage. I have an idea of what friendship should be, and unfortunately in part of growing up, you learn hard lessons about people who you thought to be true. For me, my 3 closest girlfriends, I have had since elementary school. These are girls that throughout the years, we have been through a lot of tough battles, both with each other and with others. Women are always catty, or have a catty element to them, its inevitable. High school is when the claws truly start to come out. The important thing to know about relationships with your girlfriends, is that the really great girls in your life, know when to retract those claws, and purr on your shoulder when you need affection and care. For me, my gems are people who no matter what shit life dumps on us, will always be there. No matter what.

The first gem, is a rare stone, much like a diamond. I met Stacy in kindergarten. My first memory of her was Halloween and she had the most beautiful Princess Jasmine costume. My costume was Lady Lovely-locks, which included a plastic mask that made my face sweat. I was admittedly a tad jealous of her costume. We had an altercation not long after involving the tire swings, one that left me sitting in the principals office. Even at the age of 6, I had my claws out. Not long after, we became friends and twenty years later, she is someone I can not imagine life without. A true friend who has stuck by my side and accepted me completely, for who I am. As they say, diamonds are a girls best friend.

Another kindergarten classmate, Aimee, has proven to be another soul I can't live without. Through the years, she has injected so much laughter and optimism in my life, on top of being a great support. Aimee, Stacy and I have all been friends since we were playing on the monkey bars, only Aimee and I only really began our relationship outside of the playground in our late teens. She is a person that I have witnessed overcome some serious life hurdles, and her strength amazes me. A strong shoulder is the kind of shoulder you want to lean on, because it is people like this, who won't let you fall. Some of my fondest memories, messiest nights and trips in my twenties, have included her. She has always been there for every life altering moment I have been challenged with.

When I was in grade 6, I met another girl who, 15 years later, is someone I have had quite the journey with. Both Lynn and I have learned hard lessons about true friendships, and because of our desire to be free of those who are quite literally heading nowhere, we have found ourselves both individually on the path to success and have supported each other through every bad hand of cards, god has dealt us. It started in the under covered area, at lunch break when the popular girls would pick teams for California kickball. We were not the pack leaders, therefore we were generally picked last. Especially me, because I was the new girl. When we got to high school, it was a no brainer to stick together. We were attached at the hip and did everything from daily pizza lunch dates (pizza was our staple in life), to bowling together on a bowling team (yes, nerds, I know). Like most girls, we have had our squabbles but we have always made it back to each other. Our friendship today, is better and stronger than it ever has been. Heartbreaks, family upsets, and personal healing, we have been there for each other through it all.

When I look at my male friends, I notice most of them are a big group of guys, that have all been friends since high school, and they do a lot together. Their bond is enviously strong, and they treat each other like family. This is where female friendships are generally different. I have come across a lot of girls over the past few years, that have no close relationships with girls they have known since they were much younger. No lasting bonds that are still current. Some are what I like to call "best friend whores", and have a new BFF every 6-8 months. Inseparable with one person for a period of time, until they find the next best thing, treating friendship much like disposable dates. They lack consistency in their friendships, and likely have the same problem in their relationships as well. Why can't be women be more like men in this sense? We will put our men on a silver platter, and revolve our entire life around them, but we won't do the same for our girlfriends? Men don't do this to their friends. They live by the rule that boys are boys, and remain completely solid in their loyalty to one another, even above women. Women on the other hand, are bitches. We stab each other in the back and will compromise all values, for a man, or simply to come out higher than the other. It is a constant competition

This is why I consider myself lucky. While, I too have been guilty of having had revolving friends, I have consistency and sister-like friendships that I will never let go of, not in a million years. Even if I only have a few girlfriends left in the next few years, I know they will be the ones that really matter. My true gemstones will outweigh the fake cubic zirconias that trickle in from time to time. My loyalty is to my ladies, and the ones that matter, reciprocate that same loyalty to me. As they say, Hoes over Bro's.

And so I dedicate my first entry, to my top supporters and the irreplaceable ones in my life. Stacy, Aimee and Lynn, thank you for being YOU, and accepting me, for ME. xoxo

Mistakes Made are Lessons Learned

2010-06-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life has a funny way of reiterating a message that you have already received. Deja Vu, can sometimes feel like a slap in the face, rather than a replay of a fond memory or feeling that you once experienced. As far as dating is concerned, it was so much simpler when you were younger. When you first decided to form a different type of bond with a member of the opposite sex, or the same sex for some, we had a blank canvas. Over the years, this canvas becomes soiled with patterns and splatters that we would like to forget about completely. Unfortunately, just like a painters canvas, you can not undo what has already been done. You can only move on to a fresh canvas.

For most of us, we have continued to soil that same canvas, going from one relationship to the next with jaded emotions, and fears that spawned from a previous experience. In doing so, we only add clutter to our emotional state, and thus, the build-up begins. Why are we painting over top of a canvas that has already been completed? Each relationship we have had, should be treated like a fresh canvas. When that relationship ends, the work of art is completed, and the canvas should be put aside, to make room for the next piece of your collection. Each relationship is a work of art. Some of our personal artwork might be messy, dark and depressing, or wild and colorful. No matter what the outcome of your piece is, you need to start fresh on the next canvas, and not let any of that messy paint from your previous canvas, spill or leak onto the next one.

We are all jaded. We all have shit in the past. The important thing to realize, is it's in the past. You can look back and dwell on it, you can dwell on a person, and you can curse someones name until you are blue in the face, or you can finalize your piece, and lay it to rest. A new and fresh canvas awaits.

Action!

2010-05-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Sneak Peak.. I will be filming in Vancouver today, co-hosting with Susan McCord on her show Beaver talk. Links and feeback on my adventures to follow.. Happy Sunday! xo

2 Thumbs Down

2010-05-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

This week has been one filled with lessons and reinforcement of the path that I have chosen for myself. Sometimes, we get clouded in a world that we think we might want to be a part of, only to realize, we have wasted our time. No more wasting time for me.

There comes a time for each and every one of us, when we realize what it is that we want and need, and we chase it to no end. We know what we deserve and don't settle for anything less. People sometimes have an odd way of creeping into this planned equation, and numbing your better judgement temporarily, with false hope and promises. Someone might make you believe that something is meant to be, when really it's just an illusion of the lust they feel. I know in my heart what is meant to be, what and who I want in my future, and it's time to stop wasting time and not settle for anything less, no matter how long it takes.

I went to see the long anticipated Sex and the City 2 movie on Thursday night with my 3 girlfriends. This is a movie I have been so hyped about, especially since seeing the official preview 2 months ago. My expectations of this movie were quite high. When I saw the movie, although it was good, and satisfied my appetite for the sequel I had hoped for, it wasn't as good as I had anticipated. Like relationships, sometimes a preview is better than the actual movie itself. The tease of the preview has you wanting an craving more, because a preview only highlights a movies best scenes. You get excited and lust after the moment when you can actually sit down, and enjoy the main event. When a relationships feature presentation disappoints you, just like a movie, you feel like you wasted your time, and you might even want your money back. Other times, you might want to see a movie that got bad reviews, and your friends have tried to convince you that it is awful, but you go anyways, because you are a person who likes to make your own judgements. How many people have we dated that we were told would be poison for us, but we did it anyway?

Even if you have wasted your time on something that didn't live up to your expectations, the important thing is, that you gave it a chance, and you came to your own conclusion. Life and love is about taking those chances, forming your own opinions, and not letting other critics dictate your choices.

Make a Goodbye count

2010-05-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

There are some goodbyes that you can't wait for, those you wish you never had to say, and then there are the goodbyes that you're afraid you will never get to say. As grad season approaches, students will welcome the day that their daily activities, will no longer consist of chatter filled hallways, mind numbing lectures, and all-night cramming sessions. Adderall will no longer be on the dinner menu.

No matter what lies beyond the goodbye, it is always hard to let go of something, or someone. Some might say that goodbye is not forever, but merely a temporary farewell, where you will anticipate the day that you are again, greeted with a warm welcoming. Truth be told, I am not one who says goodbye easily. I always fear that the well wishing is going to be permanent, or even worse, that I won't ever get to say the words I wanted to say. I remember the day I said my final farewell to my grandfather. He was 100 years old when he passed away. Although he lived a very long, and prosperous life, I always wish that I would have visited him more often in the hospital when his days were numbered. There's so much I wish I could have told him, but I never got the chance to.

In your twenties, a lot of goodbyes are said. We come to the age where death becomes a common fact of life, relationships end, friendships, and even family ties are severed. Moving away also does not come as a surprise anymore like it did in high-school, when the thought of your best friend moving out of catchment, and no longer able to attend the same school as you, was enough to make your stomach flip.

When we fear something, we avoid it at all costs. When we fear that saying goodbye will be too unbearable to face, we might pretend like it's not real, and avoid the day when we must turn and walk in a new direction. The outcome is generally overwhelming regret, as was proven for me when I lost my grandfather.

Life is too short to avoid our fears. Life is too short to miss a moment of memories, which sometimes, become to late to re-create. Whether you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, or simply moving towards a new destination, make every last moment count because you never know when a simple farewell, could be a goodbye forever.

You've Got Mail

2010-05-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was watching "He's Just Not That Into You," when something Drew Barrymores character [Mary] said, caught my attention.

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my Blackberry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting!"

Technology has advanced our world of communication, but it has recoiled the meaningful connection that two people used to create when first meeting one another. In a world where businesses are now able to create successful mergers and expand opportunities in a matter of moments, our relationships are crumbling and becoming dependent on the touches to a palm sized keyboard. Gone are the days of dropping by someones house to say "hello", and in are the days of Skype dates, and sex via text messaging. We have replaced our human on human relationships, with gizmo on gizmo connections. The worst part is, we are tolerating this, and becoming addicted to the exhilaration of a red blinking LED light.

Facebook is another culprit, only with Facebook, it poses as quite a threat to a potentially successful match-up. While online dating has become the new coffee shop, "Facebook stalking" or "creeping" has proven to be a deal breaker in many cases with people immediately cutting off candidates based on looks, social status, and lifestyle, based on photographs on ones page. Facebook may appear to leave nothing to the imagination, but in most cases, a person is using Facebook for the pure purpose of socializing, and therefore it is only natural to see someone doing just that; being social. Not many profiles will showcase a person sitting under a tree, reading a book, even though it' a calm activity that they also enjoy. Isn't it true that you should not judge a "book" by its cover?

Another problem with Facebook, is that some people rely on this once thought-to-be-genius way to keep in touch, to "find out about" a complete stranger, by "creeping" ones page. This is commonly referred to as Facebook stalking. Facebook stalking can be quite dangerous. If you aren't careful with your privacy settings, what you detail in your statuses, and whom you befriend, you could find yourself with a literal stalker, or harassment from a jealous on-looker. Unfortunately, even in being cautious, sometimes there are those beyond obsessive people who will find a way to find out what is in your profile, even if it means having a mutual friend creep, or creating a fake account.

In a world with such variety of communication forms, it's easy for any message to get lost in translation. For me, this is the ultimate reason to write. I miss the days of having an overseas pen-pal and writing to them with a pen and paper, with personality and style, instead of "lol's", "omg's" and double k's. Romance and everlasting friendship is dwindling at a rapid pace due to these tools. When you send someone a text message, an they don't reply, it's easy to feel rejection, even if the person has a legitimate reason. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we interacted face-to-face, the way we did in an IM conversation. Would you sit across from someone and stare blankly back at them after they say, "how are you?" That is exactly what a no-reply message implies. And how about if you are walking down the street, having a flirty conversation with someone, and were constantly stopping to give each other random hugs out of nowhere, and winking without reason, or sticking your tongue out after each funny thing that one of you said? We don't communicate like this in real life interactions, so quit being lazy and remember that you are a human, and the person on the other end is also human. Do not lose your human nature to a microchip. Be real.

Stop and Replay

2010-05-25T06:11:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, when you play a CD, and you come across a song that skips, all it takes it a good clean swipe, and a replay, to make the song flow as it should. Other times, the scratches are permanent, and the song is destroyed forever. When you try to replay a relationship, sometimes the scratches are beyond repair, and no matter how hard you try to clean it up, the song will never play out the same. When this happens, just as you would with your CD, it's time to purchase a new album.

Moving on from one relationship, to another, is never an easy task. One may experience a period of limbo in which psychotic reactions, become the norm. Our senses are heightened during this time, and our sensitivity is much stronger, and harder to control. Unfortunately, for some of us, our behaviour is not only psychotic, it can also be borderline mental, making others question whether or not we should be institutionalized. Negativity is most commonly returned, with more negativity. Peaches will always return sweetness.

What is the right way to deal with a break-up? When your song skips, what is the best way to correct your tune, so that everything plays out smoothly? Everyone has a different method of cleaning their CD off. Some swipe in on their pant leg, and hope that a quick fix will solve the problem, while others might take a more professional approach, and use a cleaner made especially for the purpose, otherwise known as therapy. Sometimes, you have to face the music, and learn to accept the fact that not every song, can be fixed. Buy a new album. Get over the loss and move ahead, instead of dancing circles around the problem and replaying a song that will not play out, the way you want it to.

Everyone makes mistakes. It's what makes us human. If we weren't making mistakes, we wouldn't be learning lessons, and life would be invaluable. The key is how you move on from those mistakes. Do you take the high road and move ahead with purpose or do you make threats, and become a candidate for a restraining order? It's not about the cards you are dealt, it's how you play a bad hand that matters.